


disconnect (running from my heart to my head)

by oneEyedking



Series: restitution [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: ANBU Hyuuga Hinata, Adopted Children, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Child Abuse, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Cute Ending, Cute Kids, Doctors & Physicians, Domestic Fluff, Drugs, F/M, Festivals, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Healthy Relationships, Hokage Uzumaki Naruto, Kazekage Gaara, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Multi, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Schizophrenia, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-02-07 19:44:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12848211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oneEyedking/pseuds/oneEyedking
Summary: “You and me, a million bowls of ramen.” Naruto smiles, eyes closing in happiness at the thought (like spending time with Gaara is something to be happy about, which is certainly new for Gaara himself to witness), reaching for Gaara’s hand, “Like another real date! Finally!”Maybe, just maybe, Gaara doesn't want to be a monster anymore.





	1. Chapter 1

_The first time Gaara is able to confront the dark presence in his body and mind he's three._

_He isn't sure how he goes from standing in the sand pit behind the Kazekage mansion with Yashamaru smiling at him to standing in the empty, vast desert of sand with the sky (too red and ominous to possibly be real) painting everything crimson. He turns, scanning the landscape, confusion and fear bubbling through him. Where is he? Where's Yashamaru? How did he get here? Why did the sky look like that?_

_Gaara decides he doesn't like it here, and is about two seconds from bursting into tears like he finds himself desperately wanting to do._

_Then there he is._

_He's huge and stares down at him with glaring yellow eyes and teeth bared, rage rolling off him in waves._

_Shukaku._

_Gaara trembles. He's huge, bigger than anything he's ever seen. The little boy looks up, eyes wide and chest tightening as the thing takes lumbering step toward him, like it's taking a closer look._

_"And what are you supposed to be?" the beast asks, and even it's voice is unhinged and terrifying. Gaara takes a step back._

_They told him that something was inside him. Something dangerous. But he never fully understood, even when his Father tried to explain it in the simplest terms he could manage._

_"You're the..."_

_"You're the human runt." Shukaku sneers, peering down at him, "When you fall asleep, I'll take over your body and soul, and slaughter all you humans! Better not doze."_

_"You hate humans?" Gaara asks, startled._

_"Yes! I despise them!" the beast screeches, suddenly loud. Gaara covers his ears and stumbles further back, fear spiking._

_When he can speak he says, "But, you're here to protect my village, aren't you?"_

_"I've never protected you all because I wanted to!" Shukaku snaps, voice thundering, "You humans are less than us beasts!"_

_Gaara sniffles, lowering his hands and looking up at the beast._

_"Now get out, or I'll eat you." Shukaku sneers, and he lunges at Gaara, who screams and stumbles back before breaking out into a run, terror making tiny legs carry him as far and fast as he could. The sand dissolves around his feet._

_He hears the beast laughing behind him._

_He comes to in his uncle's arms, screaming in a panic_.

~~~~~

It's a change.

Maybe he was looking for a reason all along. Maybe he just needed the push. Either way, he thinks maybe that would explain how quickly the switch is flipped after having been defeated for the first time ever. And bloodied. Beaten.

That was so completely new, the feeling of blood running down his arm and a sharp sting of...something ripping through him.

And _pain_. Physical pain was so new and terrifying. It was sharp and hot, almost like something molten and thick oozing through his nerves. Gaara quickly learned that pain spreads either agonizingly slowly or lightning fast, setting his body alight. Like fire.

He'd never experienced it before.

And oddly enough he didn't feel angry about it necessarily, he was more...shocked and emotionally wounded than anything. He lays there, unable to move and completely drained, watching in what he recognizes as fear, frustration and horror as _that boy_ tries to crawl over to Gaara with his remaining strength.

Gaara realizes he's scared. Not for the first time in his life, but for the first time in a _long_ time. He's terrified. He doesn't want to hear what this boy has to say because Gaara knows that his entire being is about to be ripped from him. He knows the feeling. Too well.

He's scared. Not for his well being--at least not physically--but his stomach has bottomed out and he feels the sickness of anxiety and the looming, ominous feeling that he's about to be hurt in some massively profound and damaging way.

Nothing like that happens.

That boy--Naruto--simply tells him what he needs to hear. The threat is still there, this boy is still an enemy and a ninja from a foreign land that he's infiltrated, but there's something else he can't pinpoint at that moment, broken and bleeding on the forest floor.

Gaara stirs irritably as he's suddenly pulled off the ground and held close by his brother, who's picked him up and taken off with Temari at their side. They're both obviously exhausted, and yet Gaara can't help but note that they came to retrieve him anyway. That they came back for him. 

Blood slowly and stickily trickles from his head before he quietly groans, "Temari, Kankuro. I'm sorry."

It's not like he's never said the words 'I'm sorry' before, he's just never quite meant it as much he does then. He is sorry. He really is.

Somehow, in some strange way, that boy pulled Gaara-shaking and screaming _bloody murder_ -out of his selfish rage and sadness.

No, not pain. The pain is still there. Always is.

Something is different, though. Gaara feels like he has something loose rattling around inside him. It's like something has come unhinged, but he'll never be sure what it is until he opens it up and picks around to see for himself.

Either way, something is different.

The wake-up call Naruto Uzumaki has gives him still isn't lost on him though, even if he doesn't fully understand it.

~~~~

When Temari and Kankuro find that they can't make it all the way back to Suna by themselves (or in the condition they all happen to be in after retreiving Gaara), they're forced to return and admit themselves into the Leaf's main hospital.

Kankuro is released the first day, and he immediately ditches the hospital bed to find Baki and figure out what they'll do next. No one seems to know of their role in the recent attack, and the hospital is busy with the injured and the news of the latest attack on the village, allowing them to slip through almost unnoticed if not for the nurses treating them.

He hears Temari through the thin walls of her hospital room next to his, asking how Gaara is doing. She sounds like he's never heard her, her voice thin and worried.

Something about that is the final nail in the coffin.

Uzumaki was right. Gaara was wrong.

A few hours later Gaara is staring at the ceiling of his hospital room when he learns that the Leaf's Hokage has died in battle with Orochimaru, a defector and enemy of the Leaf.

Their Hokage is dead.

And even stranger is the newfound, sudden guilt Gaara finds himself sitting in. At least Shukaku is blessedly silent.

~~~

He learns his father is also dead later that day.

Suna no longer has a Kazekage and Gaara is an orphan. They all are.

They had one living parent, and now they don't. They're well and truly alone now, and Gaara finds himself...not feeling any different than he did when he had a father. Judging by Temari's expression when she tells him, she doesn't either.

Kankuro just simply shrugs and grumbles about getting something to eat before he leaves the hospital altogether. His shoulders are hunched and he's tense, but he doesn't say anything.

Life goes on.

~~~~

They're scheduled to leave the day after next. Gaara finds himself somewhat comforted by that. He hates it here, at least at the moment. He never wants to see this place again.

This place has shaken all he's known down to the foundations, and maybe Gaara is--deep down--a coward, but he can't stand to be here anymore.

~~~~

They don't talk about their father.

Granted, they never did before, but they definitely don't now that he's dead. There isn't much to say. To Temari and Kankuro he was distant and absent. Even when he was there he _wasn't_ somehow, and they'd long since gotten used to it. He faded from their lives long before he died.

  
As for Gaara, he feels the smallest bead of relief somewhere deep inside him.

  
Now maybe the assassins will stop.

  
~~~~

  
He lags a bit behind Temari and Kankuro, lost in his own thoughts as he's about to cross the threshold of Konoha's only entrance and exit.

"Hey!"

Gaara freezes and tenses, hands gripping the sash tethering him to his gourd so hard his knuckles go white. He knows that voice. He knows exactly whose it is. The same voice that's been rattling around in his head for the past few days, repeating words that Gaara can't seem to let go of.

He just isn't too sure what to do about it. Gaara is exhausted, and he doesn't want to fight anymore. At least not right now. He wants to go back to his desert, his sand, and more importantly he wants to be alone.

He's never wanted to be alone more than he does right now. Usually being alone is his worst nightmare (or something dark and cold that he's resigned himself to forever), but right now he feels _strange_ and finds himself longing for some solitude to try and figure out what is happening to him.

Gaara doesn't turn around, instead choosing to keep walking. The chances that someone is calling him anyway are slim to none, so he should be on his way. It'll be dark soon, and they'd like to make it back to Suna within the usual three days.

"Hey! Stop!" the voice shouts, "Don't leave yet!"

Gaara ignores it. He surpresses the need to walk faster.

He's calling someone else.

_He's calling someone else._

Gaara steps outside the gate. Then a hand grabs his arm and Gaara startles somewhat violently, almost jumping a foot in the air in alarm. The blond sounded a lot farther away only a second ago.

He feels more than sees his sand bristle and rise in his gourd, ready to pop the cork on it's container and release his shields.

"I was calling you!" Naruto says, blocking Gaara's path with arms outstretched. Gaara catches his breath and takes a step away from the boy (and he's still wearing that bright orange jumpsuit that somehow manages to make _everything_ even brighter, and Gaara finds himself squinting to level the amount of light attacking his eyes), eyeing him warily.

Gaara doesn't say anything, and Naruto pants with the effort he clearly explelled to run over to the other boy as quickly as he did.

"You're leaving?" Naruto asks, and Gaara nods after a moment, not knowing what to make of this sudden interaction. Last time they met they fought. And for Gaara, who's never lost since coming to the Leaf, he's maybe a bit...wary, of the orange-clad boy in front of him. Are they meant to fight _again_?

Gaara doesnt want to.

"So uh," the other boy sighs, eyes narrowing at Gaara as he tries to look off to the side, shifting where he stands, "Do you, uh, know when you'll be coming back, maybe?"

Gaara blinks at him. He doesn't know what he's feeling, really. It's not anger. Not depair. But it's not quite good either.

"No." Gaara says.

"Oh."

Gaara fidgets, out of his depth. He decides that he just doesn't know what to do, so he moves to step around the other boy.

"I should go." Gaara mumbles, stepping past the threshold of the village's main gate once again.

"Wait!" Naruto urges. Gaara stops, turning to face him.

Naruto scratches the back of his neck and gives him a small smile. His eyes close as he does so, and Gaara is reminded of a fox mid-blink.

"When you come back...we should get to know each other!"

"What?"

"We should be friends!"

Gaara is silent, just giving the other boy a questioning look.

"Because we're kinda similiar so I...I thought--" Naruto starts, then stops, "Anyway, everyone could use more friends, right?"

Friends?

Gaara doesn't know what to say. The blond smiles at him and tells him to have a safe trip, then he's gone, leaving Gaara standing knee-deep in his own confusion and surprise.  
He attacked Naruto. He attacked Naruto's friends. He helped attack Naruto's village. So why would he--?

"Gaara?" Temari calls.

Gaara finally moves from where he stands rooted in the spot, walking out the village entrance.

~~~

When Gaara gets back to Suna he makes a decision.

He decides to stop talking to Shukaku. It's not like the beast particularly _likes_ Gaara anyway, and Gaara finds his own attachment to the creature (the only thing that could never, ever leave him alone, seeing as he was sealed within him) wavering in the aftermath of the most recent incident. Shukaku is psychotic and out of control, going from quiet, seething anger and explosive bursts of bloodthirsty hatred in mere seconds if he felt like it, which made Gaara a terror at best and an utter destructive, murderous monster at worst.

Gaara finds he doesn't want to destroy anything anymore.

He figures if he cuts direct contact as soon as he can the demon's influence on him will lessen enough that he can control his emotions a bit better, and it seems to be working so far.

  
On the way back to Suna the demon took the oppurtunity to make his opinons about the current events known to Gaara, and raged against him for losing to Naruto, hurling painful insults and digging it's claws into every deep rooted insecurity and emotional wound Gaara carried. And though Gaara wouldn't admit it, he'd actually ended up crying a bit when he was alone, hurt by the demon's words. His unhealthy relationship with the bloodthristy creature meant that Gaara still wanted to please Shukaku, even though he knew that was also wrong. Of course, that obvious show of weakness had Shukaku screaming at him again, which of course helped very little, if at all.

Wasn't the first time Shukaku made him cry, and he's sure it won't be the last.

Gaara needs a clear mind to unlearn some of his more...harmful habits. He can't do that with Shukaku's screaming echoing in his brain. He can't pick himself apart and refashion himself into a new being with Shukaku trying to persuade him into staying the same p. Gaara also finds himself a bit indignant. _He_ makes his own decisions, and he decides that he wants to be in control of who he is. It struck him like lightning, and maybe he'll be able to flesh out the details later, and decide what _exactly_ he wants to do, how he wants to change and how to go about it, but he knows that his anger and rage have simmered into something less explosive and homicidal and is now just replaced with...weariness and sadness that settles almost bone deep. Along with exhaustion.

Gaara's _tired_. Of everything. Of constantly fighting a tug-of-war with the world. Of being on the other side of humanity all by himself, always alone.

He wants to join his family and his village so badly--the world, really--and it's like suddenly he remembers that. The reminder makes his heart ache. 

How does he get from where he is to where he so longs to be? Is it even possible for him?

Gaara is definitely tired.

Maybe he has been for a while, and all it took was Uzumaki defeating him for him to concede. Gaara's been noting the slump of his own shoulders for a while now. Maybe this isn't a surprise so much as something that was coming in one form or another. 

He hasn't had that hopeless feeling in a while, when he was a child and always wondering what he could have _possibly_ done to deserve the constant and relentless rejection from his peers, family and his village.

So he blocks the tailed beast out as much as he can, though his control is shaky at best.

Shukaku will not use him any longer, and Gaara refuses to be complicit in anymore unecessary bloodshed. He doesn't see the appeal anymore.

Shukaku can't be allowed to run wild, and Gaara can't do this any longer.

~~~~

The next few weeks leave both Kankuro and Temari grasping at straws to figure out what the _hell_ happened to their little brother.

It's both slow and far too fast, the change in their youngest sibling.

Gaara runs into Temari on the way to the bathroom, and instead of just glaring at her or ignoring her like he usually would, he looks at the floor and gives a small, "Good morning."

Temari stands there, blinking at him in complete and utter shock for about a full minute,--which doesn't make Gaara feel _so_ secure, she's sure--but it's just...

He's standing there not even looking like himself. Where he looked cold yet indifferent before--no emotion seeping through the stone expression on his face--now he's standing there looking at the floor and frowning deeper with every passing, silent second. He looks a bit small, actually.

Hesitant, like he has no idea if he's doing it right.

And that's enough for Temari to reach for her arm, pinch herself, confirm it's not a dream and then give her little brother a hesitant, "Good morning. You okay?"

Gaara doesn't look at her, but he nods and slowly walks past her with a quiet, "Bye."

She watches him go, and takes in the awkward set in his shoulders.

"See you later." she calls to him, confused out of her mind but feeling oddly good about their interaction. Usually they go days without talking and Temari never really thought about how bothered by it she was. if Gaara didn't want to talk then he didn't. And she'd been too wary of him to seek him out and greet him every day.

She doesn't see him for the rest of the day, but when she and Kankuro walk through the door of their shared apartment she pulls him aside and asks if he's seen Gaara today.  
Kankuro nods, eyes wide, "I meant to ask you about that. Did he talk to you?"

"He told me good morning."

"He said 'good afternoon' to me." Kankuro tells her, "Is he sick or something?"

"He's not acting like himself." Temari whispers, "First he's apologizing to us and now this?"

"I wonder if he's okay." Kankuro says, brows furrowing, "That's not like him."

"He's been different since his fight with that kid from the Leaf."

"I'm going to kill that kid."

Temari waves him off before she grows quite for a moment, thinking.

"Is it a bad thing though?" Temari wonders aloud, "I think...I don't know, this could mean something."

"I guess."

Kankuro doesn't sound convinced.

They'll just have to keep an eye on him, they decide.

~~~~

That only serves to confuse them more.

Three days later Kankuro gathers his resolve and seeks out his younger brother. Usually he wouldn't, but he's past fear and has hit curiosity. And _that_ means he's pretty damn curious. He grabs two of his favorite pastries and sets off.

Gaara is in the sand pits behind their home where they used to play as children, standing with his back to Kankuro, making whirls and shapes with his sand. He looks like he isn't fully thinking about what he's doing. He's staring at the sky like some sort of divine answer is written in it.

"Hey." Kankuro says, hoping he doesn't sound as hesitant as he feels.

Gaara looks from the sky and turns slightly, looking at his brother.

The look in his eyes is...different. Kankuro isn't sure what it is exactly, but it's there, and Kankuro tries to decipher it without making Gaara too uncomfortable, or looking like he's staring as hard as he is.

"Hello."

"You okay?"

"Yes."

Usually at this point Gaara would have gone silent again or bailed, but he's still here and he doesn't even look annoyed at the fact that Kankuro is bothering him.

"What are you up to?"

"Thinking."

Kankuro nods, looking at his brother before looking around. Other than training he doesn't even come back here anymore. Is this where Gaara usually goes?

"Wanna, uh, talk about it?" Kankuro offers, somewhat shakily. He feels like an idiot for even asking. He fully expects a glare, an insult, maybe even for Gaara to lose it.

None of that happens.

Gaara simply says, "No, thank you."

Kankuro doesn't know what to say. Usually his conversations with Gaara are few, far between and about missions, so a casual one is out of both of their depths.

"You eat yet?" Kankuro asks.

Gaara blinks at him and shakes his head.  
"Here." he says, offering his little brother one of the bean filled pastries, "You should eat something."

Gaara looks at him for a long moment, but Kankuro refuses to waver (partially because Gaara doesn't look annoyed or spited in any way--just curious--and partially because he's done letting brats push him around, especially after meeting that Naruto kid) and eventually Gaara takes a step towards him and takes the pastry with an even and measured, "Thank you."

Gaara looks pleased (though it's quite buried under his usual apathetic expression) about Kankuro's offering though, and that's enough to settle his stomach a bit and calm the tension in his shoulders.

Yeah, something is different about Gaara.

~~~~

Sometimes though, Gaara finds himself in that red, barren wasteland where Shukaku resides whether he makes a conscious effort to be there or not. He supposes that if Shukaku tries hard enough he can simply pull Gaara's consciousness where he wants it.

Gaara hates that.

"What?" he asks, glaring up at the beast. The red sky of the desert doesn't scare him anymore, and neither does the fact that sometimes the sky and earth switch places in his mind and he ends up speaking to the beast while walking on what he perceives as nothing. For a long time this place was the only place that felt like home. Gaara remembers retreating here whenever the outside world became too much to deal with. When the village and his family were too full of spite and hatred and he needed to _run_ somewhere--

Now he can hardly bear to stand still in this place.

"You little bastard." Shukaku spits, "You trying to shut me out, huh?"

He _can_ understand the beast's anger. He can't give into it though. Not anymore. It's like a closed door that someone keeps banging on (hard enough that any second the door itself could simply give, but he tries not to dwell on it), but he can't open it. He can't let Shukaku in.

"I don't need your bloodlust anymore." Gaara tells him, "I don't need your--"

"You little rat!" the beast screeches, "You've always needed me. You still do. You think you can do anything alone?"

"I don't know, but I am going to try." Gaara tells him.

"You'll fail, like you fail everything."

"Maybe." Gaara says, before he turns and walks away.

~~~~

Gaara has the thought--a few weeks after the Konoha incident--that Temari and Kankuro have been waiting for him.

Waiting for him to open his eyes. To wake up. To join their family. To break out the haze of his own selfishness and bloody, lonely pain to meet them halfway. Finally.

So when he starts trying, they _run_ to meet him. Even _further_ than halfway, because Gaara _struggles_ and if he's honest with himself, he couldn't meet them even _that_ far. Not in his current state. He's had to grapple with feeling so incredibly weak these days, but he doesn't turn around and go back. He forces himself to head forward. To _try._

This is too new and Gaara is too awkward and green at this whole communicating and caring thing. But his older siblings seem to understand without a word. He sees their initial confusion, but after that passes they just...surround him and refuse to budge, even as he stumbles over his words and struggles to think and breathe through Shukaku's constant enraged muttering.

They see when he finally starts trying again--after his fight with Naruto Uzumaki--and they jump at the opportunity to connect with him.

He finds Baki arranging for him to move out of the sectioned off space he shared with Yashamaru and into a space in the main portion of the Kazekage mansion with his siblings. Now they'll not only share a bathroom, but a kitchen and living area. He doesn't think too much of it (it's not like he'll be there much, what with missions and his own wandering habits and inability to sleep) until he learns that Temari and Kankuro _asked_ for them all to be together.

(Gaara had just figured that the elders wanted him moved so they could better keep an eye on him, or something of the sort, and he finds himself surprised that that's not the case.)

He sits in silence with the knowledge that his siblings want to live with him for hours. Gaara hasn't lived with anyone in years. He doesn't even fully remember what it's _like._

Which means so much more when Gaara remembers how terrified they are of him. They're still scared senseless of him and Shukaku, but they _still_ talk to him. Still greet him warmly (if slightly hesitantly) when he quietly gives them a polite (if strained) 'good morning'. They still invite him to train and eat with them. They still want to be his family.

They still try.

He doesn't say much even to them, but they talk anyway, keeping up a steady flow of conversation. When he's been quiet for too long during meals they ask him a question (and he knows they planned this, seeing as they take turns trying to keep him engaged) and try to get him to participate. And even more interesting is the fact that Gaara shows up for dinner _at all,_ and he _tries_ to talk

Sometimes he even manages to commicate somewhat  _well_ , and that's enough for him to keep trying.

Kankuro snorts at something Temari says and nudges Gaara, rolling his eyes while Temari grumbles at him. They sit close to him, and they laugh and joke around in his presence. In a few short weeks it's a far cry from how it used to be. How they all used to be.

Gaara can't help feeling that that's more kindness than he ever, ever deserves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically a retelling of the events of classic naruto to adulthood/boruto era told through Gaara's lens and focusing on his recovery/becoming kazekage etc. At some point it gets gay.
> 
> Idk. I hope im getting their voices right or this is fucked lmao


	2. Chapter 2

Three shuriken try to lodge themselves in Gaara's back as Kankuro nervously talks his ear off about puppet mods on their way back to the Kazekage mansion. Gaara listens to his brother, asking questions and clinging to the human interaction while he has it.

This is so new, being able to talk to Kankuro and roll his eyes as his brother makes those terrible jokes Gaara has learned he's so fond of. It's almost like a skin that doesn't fit. At least not yet. But he's trying, and he thinks it's worth it, at least.

He's holding a conversation free of hostility with his brother and he feels quite good about that. He even allows himself to be a bit proud of the progress he's made. Not much, but a little.

It's hard when he sees how happy his siblings seem to be at this change in him, no matter how slight. In his eyes he has a lot more to work on.

Naruto was kind and cared so much, and for the first time Gaara finds that he...wants to be like that.

So of course he has to be attacked, shattering the moment with Kankuro. The ANBU member that throws the weapons darts out of the way of his sand, and before Gaara can blink it has the man restrained. Then everything goes silent other than the sound of muffled struggling. The boy can taste the air go stale.

Gaara grits his teeth and tries his damndest to block Shukaku's angered grumbling for blood from where it echoes in his brain, where the demon curls up and resides. Blocking him out is a lot like trying to ignore a limb completely covered in flames, but he manages, even if his resolve is shaky from the sudden stress of the situation.

That familiar sick feeling settles in his stomach. That fear that comes with the knowledge that he's still a monster. That he hasn't made any strides in the eyes of the public and his small, shaky day-to-day accomplishments mean nothing in the eyes of the village.

Still being hunted. And rightfully so, even. It happens like this every single time, every reminder, every glare from a villager and every little thing whsipered behind his back.

When he's attacked he wins, sure, but he always feels so sick afterward.

Sometimes Gaara wonders exactly how he was ever made to be confrontational weapon of war when someone so much as leaping to attack him has Gaara with his heart in his throat ever since he was six. He kills his would-be assassins, but he still feels that stomach-deep sickness and anxiety lodged in his middle every single time, even though he's justified in protecting his own life. Gaara has always been looking over his shoulder, and he fears he may never get to stop. Never get to rest.

Knowing that somewhere, his own father ordered an attempt on his life never made him feel anything less than insignificant and afraid. Every time is a reminder what he is--not like he could ever forget. Like anyone would let him.

Feared. Hated.

How could he ever forget?

When he enjoyed killing the assassins was even worse, though.

And even moreso now he's learning that it's humiliating, to be suddenly attacked. He's never been targeted in front of another person before, and for some reason that matters to him.

It's oddly and horrendously isolating, having anyone in the area know that he's being marked for death, even if it's just Kankuro.

Gaara can't help feeling mortified, especially with how raw and new he's been feeling lately. Like his skin has been peeled off and he needs to be careful with himself until a new one grows in. Everything hurts and cuts so much deeper when he doesn't have the luxury of bloodlust to resort to. Before, when he was emotionally hurt, he'd lash out, take a life and feel all the more validated for it. Granted he never felt good after that, he rarely ever felt good at all, but it helped in some macabre way. Now he just feels the bubblings of white-hot guilt in his throat when he so much as thinks about it.

But that's off the table now. No more. He won't entertain his own darkness any longer. He's hurting himself. He knows that now.

And his plan is working. His siblings are growing comfortable around him, so maybe if he'a able to keep this up he can get the village to (eventually) not hate him so completely as well.

It seems like an impossible goal. Completely unachieveable.

Though the point still currently stands: he was trying to be normal for once and now Kankuro has two puppets out, shoving Gaara behind him, eyes blazing and a scream wrenched from his throat.

If Kankuro attacks him then the Black Ops shinobi could engage in combat as well, and Gaara is reasonably sure that Kankuro can't beat an ANBU. Not at his current skill level.

He realizes he doesn't want Kankuro hurt. Not even slightly, and certainly not for him.

Letting himself care is such an interesting feeling. It puts the fire in his chest that killing used to. Being able to let himself feel for another person, even as feebly as he can in his current, emotionally decripet state.

He wonders if Naruto feels this too. If this was what he was talking about.

"What the fuck is your problem?!" Kankuro snaps, lunging at the assassin.

And Gaara panics--throwing up a wall of sand in his brother's way to stop him, to save him-- because if this shinobi kills his brother it will have been his fault and Kankuro will be gone and who will tease Gaara and try to get a smile out of him, who would call him 'squirt' and laugh when Gaara makes a face at the nickname?

He can't lose his big brother. He needs him. Both him and Temari. He needs his siblings.

And even more than that, Kankuro doesn't deserve to die because of Gaara, of all things.

The youngest boy snaps at his older brother, the tinny taste of fear working up his throat.

"Father has been sending people to kill me since I was six. I know how to deal with this. So let me handle it--"

"What!?"

Kankuro is frozen, sights on Gaara and eyes darkening with every passing second. He watches his older brother's face twist into something that looks like hate.

Gaara thought he knew what hate looked like on Kankuro's face, and Gaara thought that Kankuro had already given Gaara that hate filled look for years.

But he was wrong. He's never received a look like that from Kankuro. The same eyes that glare daggers and wish murder on the shinobi who attacked Gaara have never looked at Gaara like that.

No. That's not the look Kankuro would give him. This is...this is real. A real hatred that he's just now seeing.

It hits him that Kankuro probably never hated him.

"What did you say?" Kankuro asks through gritted teeth.

Gaara ignores him and turns to the assassin. But even he can't avoid the question that easily. He should honestly just leave the man here and just try to get away. He doubts he'll try to kill Gaara again, judging by the fear clearly painted on his face.

"Never do this again." Gaara tells him, and the stranger nods, frantic and afraid of death. For all he knows Gaara could crush him right now, though the child won't.

But of course he doesn't know that.

"What the hell Gaara? You're not just going to let him get away--" Kankuro starts, and suddenly Gaara feels as tired as he is. He's still embarrassed and upset and just wants to go back to his room.

"Kankuro. Can we just go?"

"Gaara--"

"Please?" Gaara asks, "I don't... don't want to kill him."

Kankuro's face morphs into something like understanding, though Gaara can see the anger behind his brother's eyes. Gaara sees Kankuro's internal struggle, the tug-of-war happening in his head.

Gaara starts walking. He can't stand there and look at that shinobi.

His stomach churns, and he feels so drained that he barely talks or answers any of Kankuro's frantic, infuriated questions on the way back.

~~~~~  
They don't talk about it. Probably because he runs off as soon as they get back to their house. He can't find it in himself to feel guilty about ignoring Kankuro because he's too focused on trying to keep the lid on his anger and frustration while fighting back both Shukaku's voice and his own impending tantrum.

Needless to say, Gaara is feeling quite a lot, and he really wishes he wasn't.

Gaara clicks the lock on his bedroom door when footsteps linger outside out of it, before he sits on the floor and watches the shadows under it, waiting for Kankuro to leave.

He doesn't. Gaara sits there for almost twenty minutes.

Why won't Kankuro leave?

"Gaara?"

Silence.

"Listen, Temari and me...we didn't know about dad."

More silence.

Gaara has no idea why that information was relevant, but he says nothing. He doesn't know what to say, really.

"'M sorry." Kankuro says, "We didn't know."

Gaara shifts positions on the floor, easing blood back into his legs. His gourd falls on its side with a dull 'thud'.

"I saw the look on your face, you know." Kankuro tells him, "Don't get upset, but you looked sad. Temari and I know you're trying, and you're doing a really good job, I just don't want this to make you feel--I don't know."

He hears a thud and an exhale, and the shadow under the door gets darker. It takes Gaara a moment to realize that Kankuro has sat down and pressed his back to the door.

Gaara shuffles a bit closer. He'd wanted to be alone, or so he thought, but he guesses he was wrong. He finds himself wanting Kankuro close, just not...too close. He couldn't handle that right now.

Gaara has no idea what he needs or wants and how to articulate it.

"Ha, hope you're actually in there, or I'm just talking to myself."

"I'm here." Gaara assures him, moving closer to the door.

He doesn't move to unlock it, but he gets closer.

"Oh, good." Kankuro sounds pleased.

"I don't want to unlock the door, though." Gaara says. He's not sure why, but he figures it's best to let Kankuro know.

Maybe after another attack Gaara feels the need to lock himself away, because alone is safe and alone means no one can hurt him.

It's an old ideal he used to uphold, and it doesn't quite work anymore, but he guesses he's allowed some relapses into his old ways, especially if he's not hurting anyone.

"That's okay." Kankuro shrugs, "Just wanna talk."

"About what?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yes."

"You sure?"

"...I don't...know."  
"That's fair."

"Did you and Temari really not know?" Gaara asks.

Kankuro sighs, "No, we didn't. If we would've--we would've done something about it."

Gaara doesn't know what to say to that.

They're silent for so long that Gaara starts to wonder if maybe Kankuro fell asleep. When his older brother speaks he says something that surprises him.

"Hey, tell me your story."

Gaara looks at his bedroom door like it'll swing open without his interferance and reveal Kankuro's expression. Or what he means. He moves to mirror Kankuro, his back to the door.

His story?

"What do you mean?" Gaara asks, blinking in the darkness of his bedroom.

"I want to understand you." Kankuro tells him, and they sit on opposite sides of the door, backs to each other through the wood, "Baki is always saying that if we don't know something we should ask, and that what unites the village is our stories. So, tell me your story."

Gaara finds himself very happy that it's dark. It's always easier to say things in the dark. Kankuro knows his life, why does he need a recap told by Gaara himself? The whole request confuses the younger boy, until he remembers that before this Kankuro knew nothing about him as a person, and this is an attempt to get to know his little brother.

"Why?"

"Because I want to know what's going on inside your head. I just...wanna know you better, I guess."

Ah, he was right.

Gaara is silent for a long time, a bit surprised and not knowing what to say. Or where to start. He tells Kankuro so.

"How about the beginning?" Kankuro says.

Gaara takes a breath and tries to rationalize why the hell Kankuro is so kind to him even after everything. He wonders that a lot. About Temari, too.

A sizeable part of Gaara wants both of them to hate him. To scream at him, to tell him he's a failure and a murderer and that he's not anything more than a tool. A part of him wants them to hate him.

He often (these days, at least) finds himself embroiled in a strange yet brutal fantasy of someone throwing insults at him while beating him bloody. He wants that. It's what he deserves. He was obsessed with the concept of physical pain when he was little, as he'd never been injured before. Now his fixation is even worse.

Gaara digs his fingers into his forearm and presses down, feeling the bite of nails nipping skin. It's not enough, but it'll have to do for now. His sand rushes to wrap around his arm, barring him from digging his fingernails any deeper into his own flesh.

This is far as he can get, apparently.

"I was born in January." he starts, wary of going farther than that.

Then he remembers Naruto. How he made people accept him. How he left himself transparent and left people to accept or reject what they see.

But he knows he's not as strong as that boy. How could he be? Naruto told Gaara himself. He told Gaara he had no strength to his face, and if everything else Naruto said was right, wouldn't logic dictate that he was correct about this as well?

But again, if he doesn't try...

"On January 19th. My mother died. I don't remember her. I wish I did. Yashamaru used to tell me a little about her when I asked, but it wasn't the same. Everyone else had one, and I had my uncle. My siblings were scared of me, the village despised me and my father didn't even like me, and for a long time I couldn't understand why."

Kankuro is quiet, and Gaara finds that now that he's started talking he hasn't--can't, really-stop himself.

A lot of it are half-thoughts and backtracking, but when he's finished Gaara finally opens the door to Kankuro grinning at him like a lunatic.

He feels like something significant has happened, but he can't quite pinpoint it.

~~~  
The next weeks are uneventful, and Gaara simply tries to ease his way into communicating with his siblings. Gaara hasn't really bothered to speak with anyone else other than Temari and Kankuro, and he knows he's going to have to at some point, but he finds himself stalling.

Temari and Kankuro are safe. They don't laugh at him or glare at him or throw rocks (like the villagers have been known to do, even when Gaara was a child) and they don't look down on him or secretly despise him (despite what his traitorous brain tries to convince him). Gaara isn't ready to try interacting with anyone else yet.

They're being barred from missions for a while, saving face while the death of the Kazekage sweeps through Suna, leaving villagers shocked and reeling.

It wouldn't look good for the elders if they were sending the fourth Kazekage's children on missions after having just been made orphans. More for show than their genuine care for them, but Kankuro shrugs and says they should make use of the vacation while they have it. Temari agrees.

Gaara finds himself with too much free time. He doesn't want to wander about the village, and he doesn't have anywhere to be, so he stays in his room--reading texts he's taken from the Kage mansion's library--or in the sand pits, amusing himself as the hours tick by. Gaara notices that Temari and Kankuro rarely leave the mansion much either, and it takes Temari seeking him out for him to realize that they're not keeping surviellance on him per se, but that they're hanging around so he isn't alone. When he asks them about it Kankuro just grins and gives him a snarky 'Well, it's big house and we don't wanna lose you in it' and Temari merely snorts at them both and tells them to move so she can get to the fridge.

So Gaara reads and listens to his siblings bicker while they (attempt) to make dinner every night. They even have Gaara help most nights. He feels included, and that makes him feel a flicker of something he hasn't felt for a long time, if ever.

It's still worse at night.

At least he used to have Shukaku for company (back when they were speaking), now it's just him. Even if they didn't speak, he and beast still felt each other's presence and (Gaara, at least) were comforted by it, no matter how briefly.

Nights have always been lonely, and that doesn't change. But after night the morning comes and with it comes his siblings bickering and more stilted conversation he's slowly getting used to.

It's nice. He likes it.

~~~  
Temari is asked to teach at the Leaf's academy (which Gaara takes to mean that the Leaf and the Sand have settled their conflicts), and as soon as Gaara steps through the gates of Konaha with his siblings he hears someone scream.

Loudly.

And not just that, it's his name being shouted at the top of that familiar voice's lungs.

He tenses, annoyed by the loud sound before the frustration (both his own and Shukaku's) fades away and comprehension takes it's place. Kankuro's brows furrow, and Gaara blinks at his brother as he steps in front of Gaara, looking around for who could be calling his little brother's name.

Naruto speeds up to them like a bullet.

"I'm gonna go bother Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto grins, like it's the best idea ever, "You should come, we can prank him!"

Gaara just blinks at the blond. Naruto is practically bouncing on his feet, smile brighter than the sun. Gaara wonders how he does that, he just seems to...radiate light and energy.

Temari makes a snap decision. She nudges Gaara, "Go on."

He looks at her in surprise. Kankuro narrows his eyes suspiciously at the blond kid staring at his little brother with a mile-wide grin on his face.

He steps closer to Temari and mutters, "Is that really a good idea? We don't know this kid, what if he's up to something? The last time they saw each other Gaara ended up beaten to hell. We can't let him hurt Gaa--"

"He won't. I know he won't." Temari assure him, "Trust me."

Kankuro gives her a worried look. Temari looks at her little brother, who is looking at Naruto in curiosity. Her chest warms a bit. She knows her youngest brother is shy, and she knows him well enough to plainly see how Gaara tries to control his own reaction to Naruto's invitation--hands clenched at his side, shoulders stiff, frown deepened and eyes widened in surprise--which means she also knows the truth--

Gaara wants to go. He wants to spend time with the only friend he's ever made.

This means too much to him for her to even consider dragging him away from the blond (who looks at her little brother like he's the most exciting thing ever, which is...god--her heart could burst a bit from that alone, that someone finally connected with Gaara and wants to spend time with him and sees the good in him).

She nudges Gaara again, "Go on. Have fun. You know where we'll be."

Gaara turns and just stares at her, confused and more than a bit surprised. He doesn't know what to do, or how to even begin to think of a response to this. This has never happened before. For one of the few times in her life so far she can see...Gaara is lost.

And that's long enough for Naruto grab his hand and give his older siblings a wide smile and a quick, "Okay, thanks! Bye!"

  
Temari blinks and they're almost down the road, Naruto pulling Gaara along and the red-haired boy letting him.

"If he does something to Gaara or gets him in trouble I'll kill him." Kankuro says flippantly, staring after them, "Just saying."

  
~~~~

Temari leans back and stretches. She makes a mental note to be a little nicer to her teachers. Teaching is hard. They'd made it to their inn with no incident, and they only had to deal with one or two little brats who refused to listen, but the day still drained her.

But all in all, not too bad. Tomorrow morning Temari is giving a lecture on her use of wind style.

Kankuro is completely stretched out on the floor, limbs splayed everywhere as he snores lightly.

Temari looks at her brother, rolls her eyes and sits up straighter, wondering when their youngest sibling will be back.

She hears footsteps and a kind, "They're in here, dear." outside their hotel door. She recognizes it as the older woman at the reception desk downstairs.

Another voice from outside the door offers her a simple and even, "Thank you."

Gaara.

The door opens and there he is, looking no worse for wear, Temari thanks her lucky stars. If something happened to him she'd never hear the end of it from Kankuro. He loves being right.

"Hey, you're back."

Gaara nods.

"How was it?"

"I had ramen." Gaara tells her. It's such an odd detail to mention but she smiles, figuring her kid brother is just a little weird. She's suspected for a while. A lot of his behavior is due to trauma, sure, but some things just tell her that Gaara would have been a bit strange (offbeat, even) even if all the nonsense hadn't been thrown at him since the day he was born.

"And how did you like it?"

"It was nice."

"Good to hear."

"Anything happen?" Kankuro asks, suddenly conscious and looking intensely at his little brother.

"I didn't let Shukaku out, I promise." Gaara says, turning to him.

Kankuro waves him off, "No, no that's not what I meant. I mean...was everything else okay?"

Gaara just looks at him, faint curiosity in his expression.

"He wants to know if anyone messed with you, or said something mean so he can beat them up."

"Oh." Gaara says, "No. We went on a date." Gaara says simply.

"What?" Kankuro snaps, sitting up from his relaxed, sprawled position on the floor, eyes sharp.

"We went on a--"

"A date?" Temari asks.

"That's what Naruto called it." Gaara says.

"I'm gonna kill that kid." Kankuro barks, moving to stand. Temari yanks him back to the ground and turns to her startled looking little brother after fixing Kankuro with a glare.

The boy settles down. He knows that look. It says 'I'm the oldest and I'll take care of this so shut up'. He knows it all too well.

Gaara looks between them both before he simply says, "Please don't kill him."

"He's not going to kill Naruto. Kankuro is just being an idiot, don't listen to him." Temari assures him.

Gaara blinks at them both and nods, before bidding them goodnight and disappearing into the conjoining bedroom, closing the door.

She guesses that's the end of that conversation then. Her brother always did get socially exhausted easily.

Kankuro glowers for a moment while Temari stares at the door that Gaara has disappeared behind.

"First off, if he's playing with Gaara I'll kill him. Second," he lowers his voice, "What if he's just messing with him? What if he's joking or something and--"

"I...I don't think he would do that." Temari says thoughtfully, "I don't know Kankuro, didn't you see how he looks at Gaara? I don't think he's messing with him. I think he genuinely likes him."

Kankuro gives her a withered look.

"Is it that hard to believe?" she asks, a bit offended on Gaara's behalf, "I think Gaara is-"

"That's not what I meant. How could you even think I meant--" Kankuro sighs, "Listen, this is all really, really new for him, and I don't think he even knows what a date really is, and if he gets hurt it could set him back and--"

"We have to trust him enough to let him have his own social interactions. As much as we feel the need to protect him we can't scare off everybody who takes an interest in him. Eventually, I mean--if he keeps trying to heal and forge bonds then...there are going to be things like this. People who might even want to date him for real."

"We  _just_  got him back." Kankuro grumbles, "We just got him back from that  _thing_ \--"

Temari realizes he means Shukaku.

"--and no one is going to wreck that progress." he finishes bitterly.

"I know. Kankuro, of course. You know we'd never let anyone hurt Gaara." Temari tells him, "But he's growing up, and we have to trust him a little bit."

"But he doesn't...know about this stuff, Temari." Kankuro protests, "How is he supposed to know if someone is making fun or him or using him or--"

"He's a lot better at this than you give him credit for."

"Well, he's a deeply emotionally and mentally scarred 12 year-old so excuse me if I'm not exactly eager to throw him into every shaky friendship some  _random_  strikes up with him--"

"You know that's not what's happening." Temari sighs.

A few moments of tense silence later Kankuro blurts out, "...Someone tried to kill Gaara when he was with me the other day."

"What?" she sits up straighter, alarmed. Kankuro nods at her.

"When we were coming back from training. We were talking and...Temari, he was actually  _talking_  to me. I got to have a normal conversation with my baby brother,  _finally_. Then some shinobi attacked him. You should have seen the look on his face."

"Why didn't you tell me this?!" Temari asks.

"Gaara asked me not to. The kid was mortified, Temari. He looked like he wanted to sink into the floor. I've never seen him look like that."

They're silent for a long moment. Temari makes a note to scream at some elders when they get back to Suna. She's going to tear down the fucking walls--

"I'm only telling you now to try and get you to believe that he's different. Really, really different. He didn't want to kill the assassin, and he told me to leave him be. He doesn't want to lose control anymore. It's like he feels things now, and they get to him, and we can't let anything scare or hurt him to the point he feels like he made the wrong decision when he decided to start trying. He's starting to trust us, we have to make sure he doesn't end up regretting it, or his whole life is...well, it's ruined. Again."

Temari nods in the dark, looking down at her hands.

"Do you think he'll be okay?"

"We'll make sure he is."

~~~~

The next afternoon they have to leave and Gaara tries not to let his disappointment show. That morning Naruto grabbed him by the sleeve and dragged Gaara to get breakfast, chattering about something that Temari and Kankuro couldn't catch. They wonder who can keep up with Naruto's insessant chattering. It's like the child never stops for breath. Kankuro feels tired in sympathy for his little brother.

  
When it's time to go Naruto makes Gaara promise to come back soon. He makes Gaara promise twice.

The blond boy looks so hopeful and serious about it that Kankuro decides that maybe he won't fight the kid.

Just maybe.

~~~~  
“Hey,” Temari says softly, a hand on his shoulder, comforting, “We'll come back soon, I promise.”

Her hand is steadying him, and he nods, taking a silent breath. This is new, him allowing his siblings to comfort him, and he wonders why he was so against it before.

No, he remembers why. Bonds equalled hurt, maybe not of the physical sort, since most couldn't even get close enough to graze him, but left emotional scars that have not healed to this day. Probably never will he figured, seeing as he struggled with Shukaku, his insanity and his trauma every second of every day, trying to become something...better, all while not being to trust his own mind. He knows he's awkward, he doesn't need anyone to tell him so. He's just...hasn't cared about what anyone thought of him for such a long time that some long dead part of his brain is only just recently flickering to life in these last few weeks.

It feels strange, to care, and Gaara still isn't sure whether he likes it or not.

He accepts Temari's comfort, and it doesn't hurt.

~~~~  
A few mornings later Temari finds him in the sand pits again. He's leaning over the railing, looking down at the lazy designs he creates. He's not thinking about anything in particular, though he might be the slightest bit bored. He idly wonders what Naruto is doing.

Training, probably.

"I didn't see you at breakfast." Temari says, walking up him. She leans over the railing too, looking at the side of his face. Carefully blank as always. She's learning how to read him more and more though, and she's proud of that. She's one of the only people who can.

Gaara shrugs, eyes on the sand he's making swirl in intricate shapes below.

“You're upset.” Temari observes. After a moment she says, “Naruto seems like a good friend. Hyperactive and exhausting but...he's good for you, I think. I'll make sure you see him soon, okay?”

“You don't have to do that.” he says.

Temari blinks at him, “What?”

“Try to make me feel better.”

“Well yeah, I do actually. I'm your big sister.” Temari tells him completely seriously, “Plus, we will be able to go see your friend soon, and don't worry I'll talk to Baki about it--”

“Why bother?” Gaara asks.

“What do you mean?”

“Why bother comforting me? Or arranging a trip to the Hidden Leaf, just for me?”

She leans a little closer, nudging him gently, affection clear in her tone when she asks, “What brought this on?”

Gaara is silent for so long that she wonders if he's going to answer her at all, but she knows him well enough now that she lets him think. She watches her little brother choose his words carefully, silence stretching on.

“I still don't understand.” Gaara says, “I was...not very kind to you, before. Why do you even care? I'm not--”

“I failed you.”

She doesn't mean to say it, but the guilt that weighs on her has her talking before she can think. Or get embarrassed about being emotional.

Gaara doesn't look at her, but he tenses.

“I should have been there for you more. As the oldest, I should have protected you. Been your friend. Been there for you to rely on.” she looks out towards the desert, “I should have been the person who looked at you and saw you, not Shukaku. And you were so scared all the time, I saw it. You were scared of Shukaku and the village and father. And I...I didn't protect you.” she sounds a bit bitter when she adds, “It ended up having to be some kid from another village entirely to truly see you, and who you are and who you can be.”

She looks at him, a frown on her face.

“I let you down.” Temari says, voice wavering the slightest bit, “I'm...I'm so sorry, Gaara.”

They're both quiet for a long moment, but Temari doesn't take any of it back. Gaara realizes he's kind of expecting her to. The fact that someone feels bad for him of all things is...foreign to him. And he knows what she's saying, he even understands it in a logical sense, but he doesn't know how to respond. What do normal people say in a situation like this?

He's been wondering what normal people do for a while now. He has been trying to change, but sometimes he has no clue where to start. What to do. Other than his siblings' guidance, he's lost. Allowing himself to feel things has left him confused and somewhat raw.

And now his sister is apologizing to him, for things he isn't even sure are her fault.

Gaara knows he's not a good person. He never was. Probably never will be. Even when he was small he'd done things that made people fear him. And sure, he couldn't control it but he still did it. That's the point. He still did it. Still hurt people.

The guilt is suffocating. Everyone hates him, and for good reason.

What does Temari have to apologize for?

He's a monster. Something to be despised and feared. That's the mark he's left on people. On this earth. And sure he can try to change it, but will it make a difference? How?

Shukaku stirs and starts screaming in his head as soon as he starts panicking. It's shrill and the migraine sets in immediately as his mind starts to think itself in dizzying circles.

What does he do? What does he say? Why does she think she has to apologize to him of all people? Doesn't she know what he's done?  _Everything_  he's done?

He doesn't deserve apologies. He deserves...he deserves--

“Gaara!”

His sister's voice is so far off suddenly, and his vision blurs, darkens and then it's all black. A familiar, gentle but cruel, voice rings out in his head.

_‘You were never loved, Gaara.’_


	3. Chapter 3

He wakes up in bed in a plain room with Baki by the door.

The medical wing. Gaara stretches the fingers of his left hand, regaining feeling in his body. The ceiling has veins, the sand cracking slowly.

It takes him a second to realize he's doing it. He stops moving completely, fear gripping him after a moment of confusion upon waking. He was unconscious, and him being unconscious for any amount of time--

Did...did he…?

Did _Shukaku_ …?

Gaara feels bile rise up his throat at the thought. That everything (as meager as it is) he's been struggling so hard for lately could be dashed simply because he released Shukaku because Gaara is so emotionally crippled. And how many casualities...?

And the worst thought dawns on him slowly, making his face whiten in fear and his stomach clench, bile making it's way further up his throat...Temari was so close to him when he blacked out, what if he killed her?

Gaara feels the ragged gasp tear from his throat as he sits up quickly, head spinning and nausea peaking.

He's going to be sick.

“You're awake.”

Temari unfolds her arms from her place at his bedside, looking slightly amused.

Gaara looks at her, heart pounding. Oh.

She's okay. She's there. She's okay. He didn't hurt her. He could almost sigh in relief.

She takes in the look on his face and her eyes widen in alarm.

Gaara wonders how he looks. He feels terrible.

She takes his hand.

“Hey, I know that look.” she says quickly, “Whatever you're thinking--you didn't do anything Gaara. You just passed out. Scared me half to death, that's all. Stress and malnutrition, they said. Well, when your sand would let anyone get near you.”

He doesn't know what else to do. He shakes but says nothing.

“You need to keep a hold of yourself. You're run by your emotions too easily.” Baki muses, not budging by the door.

“Leave him be. He's allowed to be overwhelmed. He's not a robot.” Temari snaps.

Gaara looks at her, surprised. He's never heard her speak to Baki like that before. For him. Baki glances at her, lip curling before he shrugs and leaves. Temari fumes for a moment before he gathers herself.

“How’re you feeling?” she asks quietly.

Gaara stares at her, still struck silent. Eventually he can feel his hands again, though the anxiety is still coursing through him. Not a foreign feeling, but one he's never been fond of.

“I'm okay.” he tells her, “Sorry.”

Temari leans back in her seat, “You apologize too often lately.”

“I have a lot to-.”

“Not to me, you don't.” Temari tells him, “I know what you're doing, you know.”

Gaara looks down at his hands, picking at the threads of the blanket draped over him.

“You don't have to grovel, Gaara. You don't have to try and earn my forgiveness. Or Kankuro's. I mean it.”

“But--I--”

“Stop it!” she snaps, and Gaara tenses at the sudden rise in her voice. Temari takes a minute to collect herself before she speaks again.

“That's not what family is. They don't hold things over you. Whatever happens in the past doesn't matter. We care about you, and we just want you to be okay, Gaara. You don't have to make it up to us.”

“But Father--”

“--did wrong by all of us, but especially you. We will not follow his example. He was cold. I'm stopping that cycle right here. This family will no longer be cold.” she says fiercely, before she sighs softly, “Mom would want us to take care of each other.”

Gaara's mind lurches and his stomach turns even remembering his father. The fear is still very much there. And mother...

He wants to believe Temari, but he can't bring himself to.

Things never work out that well.

~~~~

Kankuro bursts in while Temari urges Gaara to try and drink a cup of water.

"What the fuck happened?"

Temari blinks at him, "Why are you screaming? Gaara just passed out."

"You okay?" Kankuro asks, looking at his younger brother.

Gaara is a bit paler than usual, but that seems to be all his eyes could pick up. His little brother nods and Kankuro deflates in relief.

~~~~  
Two weeks later with no mission sees Temari standing before their sensei with her arms crossed, determination painted across her features.

“I'm taking Gaara to see his friend in the Leaf village. I already sent a message to their Hokage, and it's settled.” Temari tells Baki the next time he summons her, “Give the next mission to someone else.”

He's concerned and bit put out as she expected, but she just stands there, arms crossed and eyes narrowed. She won't be swayed.

“See you in a week.” she says, waving him off.

And that's that.

~~~~  
He still notes how glaringly green the Leaf village is. Lively.

It’s certainly different from the reds, browns and beige of Suna.

They're on their way to the Hokage’s office to formally greet her when he finds him. How does this keep happening? Kankuro is convinced this kid has a radar or something.

“Is that Gaara?” a loud, familiar voice shouts, “Gaara! Hey, over here!”

He turns, Temari stopping next to him, looking towards the source of the noise. Gaara's eyes land on him. He's just as lively and orange as he was the last time they met, standing next to Kakashi.

Gaara is tackled before he can even open his mouth to respond. Naruto launches himself at him and pulls tight, and it takes Gaara one long moment to realize it's a hug.

  
And his sand doesn't bother to respond.

Naruto is hugging him. His friend is hugging him, rambling a mile a minute about something Gaara can't really figure out because he can't seem to grasp the fact that someone is bold enough to hug him, of all things. Gaara blinks in surprise, hands limp at his sides.

“Hey c’mon!” Naruto grins, letting go but offering Gaara his hand, “Let's go eat.”

Gaara looks at him in question.

“You and me, a million bowls of ramen.” Naruto smiles, eyes closing in happiness at the thought (like spending time with Gaara is something to be happy about, which is certainly new for Gaara himself to witness), reaching for Gaara’s hand, “Like another real date! Finally!”

Gaara looks at Temari (and she realizes he's nonverbally asking for permission)--who nods at him, tells him she and Kankuro will go see the Hokage on both his and her behalf and tries to suppress a smirk. He thanks her and turns back to Naruto.

“A date?” Gaara asks, taking the hand Naruto extends. It's warm.

“Yeah!” he says, like Gaara even knows what a date really is. Honestly, Gaara kind of doubts Naruto knows.

He doesn't dare refuse though. He doesn't know exactly what's going on, like last time, but he nods, butterflies alive in his belly when Naruto smiles at him, so bright.

He tries not to think about how easily Naruto takes his hand and pulls him away. Kakashi waves at him and the remaining sand siblings turn on their heels and head in the opposite direction.

~~~~

The restaurant is small--more of a stall than anything--but Naruto pulls him inside, saying something about how good the food is there. They order (and he asks Naruto to order for him, as he doesn’t know this place's menu, nor does he remember what he got last time) and they end up getting two big bowls of noodles between the two of them. Naruto smiles and talks and talks and Gaara is content to listen.

Naruto understands that Gaara doesn’t have much to say, and he doesn’t hold it against the other boy. He doesn’t take Gaara’s quiet demeanor personally, which is rare since most do if they bother to speak to him at all, though maybe Gaara expected this from Naruto of all people. So the blond happily talks and Gaara adds in a few words here and there, clumsily trying to navigate around a normal conversation. It's not like he's had much practice other than his siblings. And he isn't too sure how much of a blueprint they are for normal conversation, really. Kankuro is quite strange, Gaara thinks, and Temari might be stranger than them both, if he's being honest.

“I'm going on a trip! Three years travelling and training.” Naruto grins, before it falls, “But I...won’t be able to get ramen with you for a while.”

Gaara pokes at the meat in his soup, watching it bob and float in the broth.

Oh.

“It's okay, we can write each other.” Gaara offers, somewhat haltingly.

Naruto’s face lights up, “Yeah, that's a great idea! And I get to tell you everything as it happens.”

Gaara nods.

“I'll be a lot stronger the next time you see me! Promise!” Naruto assures him, smile wide.

Gaara thinks on that for a moment.

“When you come back, I'll have accomplished something too. ” Gaara tells him, and for one of the few times outside of battle he feels truly confident, outside of his previous homicidal urges and the facade he used to put on to protect himself.

He isn't sure what exactly he'll do yet, but he'll do it.

Naruto extends his hand in a fist, pinky out, “Promise?”

Gaara looks at the blond’s hand, a question in his eyes.

“It's a pinky promise.” Naruto tells him, “Loop your pinky finger with mine.”

Gaara can feel his face going red. He does it, his pale hand shaky and inexperienced. He nods. He promises.

“There you go. It's a promise!” Naruto smiles.

Gaara nods. A promise.

~~~~~  
Naruto takes his hand and shows him all around the village.

The thing is that he doesn’t let go. Not when Naruto takes him to meet Iruka or Kakashi--who look at Naruto with the tenderness of parents watching their child--or when he takes Gaara to the park, and the academy. Or when he takes him to Yamanaka’s flower shop.

The blonde girl that Gaara vaguely remembers from the Chunin exams waves at them from the counter when they enter (and strangely enough she doesn't give him a look of any sort of negativity--just friendly surprise and open curiosity--which surprises him because everyone seems to have seen him lose his mind during the Chunin exams at least once), and she playfully suggests that Naruto buy his guest a flower.

Naruto thinks it's a great idea. So he does.

Ino grins at Gaara’s expression when Naruto actually takes her seriously, plucking a single blood red flower from the selection and paying for it before offering it to Gaara with a bright smile.

“For you!”

“That’s sweet.” Ino grina, and Naruto’s smile just gets brighter when Gaara actually reaches out and takes it from the blond’s fingers.

“Thank you.” Gaara says, quiet and way out of his depth. Happy all the same, though.

Naruto beams, "It matches your hair!"

~~~~  
Naruto’s apartment is small and messy and Gaara can’t think of anything that encapsulates Naruto’s personality more than this particular space. There are posters and candy wrappers everywhere, and it smells like ramen. Gaara wonders if Naruto eats anything else.

It’s nighttime and the moon is large though the window in the boy’s small living room. Naruto takes Gaara’s hand again and shows him around.

“And this is my kitchen.” Naruto concludes, nearly bouncing on his feet in excitement.

“You live here alone?” Gaara asks, hoping the answer isn't what he thinks it is.

Naruto nods, proud (though it’s rather sad to Gaara, really).

“What about you? Do you live with your siblings or…?” Naruto trails off, looking at Gaara in interest.

The day has been full of this. Yes, Naruto talks, but he also asks questions, and not just nonsense ones, but ones that show he’s actually interested in Gaara.

That’s never happened before.

“I...do now, but it’s a recent development.” Gaara tells him.

“And before that?” Naruto asks, curious but careful, blue eyes scanning Gaara’s face for any discomfort.

Naruto cares so much. And so deeply.

Gaara could only hope to care that much one day. Maybe he’ll get there. That would be nice. It seems nice, anyway.

“I was by myself. After my uncle passed it was just me for...a while.”

Naruto frowns and Gaara immediately regrets answering. That frown looks so out of place on his face.

“It was okay, though.” Gaara lies, unconvincingly. It wasn't. It wasn't okay. He was so lonely and so afraid as a child, returning to a dark room by himself, knowing no one in the world would be there (and he knows Naruto wouold know exactly what he meant if he voiced his thoughts). He remembers trying to cook for himself and giving up. It never came out as good as the food Yashamaru made for him. He was six, what could he do?

Naruto’s frown deepens and his brows furrow.

Still, Gaara has trouble understanding what exactly Naruto is so upset about. Gaara is used to being alone. It hurts sure, but he’s grown accustomed to it. And anyway, he isn’t living alone anymore, since Temari and Kankuro insisted he start living with them. Naruto is the one who lives alone currently, so why is Naruto worried about him?

The blond doesn’t say anything, just squeezes Gaara’s hand.

Gaara stays with Naruto for four days, and the first night the other boy shows him his comic books (Gaara doesn’t quite understand them, but Naruto seems to like them, which makes him smile a little bit), the his video games (all of which Gaara is sure he’s very bad at) and Naruto falls asleep that first night in front of the television, watching something Gaara can’t recall.

The second day Gaara is pulled away by Naruto once again taking his hand and whisking him around, talking a mile-a-minute. They spend that day by the river. They train together until night falls and they collapse by the riverside, exhausted.

“I didn’t think there was anyone like me out there.” Naruto says suddenly, looking at Gaara, “Someone else with a tailed beast? I thought it was just me.”

Gaara’s hand clutches at his white sash wrapped around his shoulder, “I knew there were others, but I never thought I would meet someone who understood. Or who didn't hate me on sight.”

Naruto looks alarmed. Who could hate Gaara? Even when they fought Naruto didn't hate him. To him, Gaara just...looked like someone who needed help. Desperately.

“I’m not...happy you were lonely or anything, but it’s nice to not be alone in this, I guess.” Naruto says, “Everyone hated me and stayed away from me. And I thought something was wrong with me. But they were just...scared and angry because of what the nine-tails did. It’s not our fault, but everyone acts like it is.”

Gaara is thankful it's dark. Conversations like this are easier in the dark.

“We’re either soldiers or military weapons. Or monsters. Or all three.”

Naruto looks away, chewing the inside his lip, “Well, we know we’re not.” he says, “So who cares what they think?”

After a moment comes Gaara’s response, deadpan and even but covering something like fear. It’s completely dark now, and they really should be heading back, but they’re both frozen here sitting in grass, pressed together shoulder to shoulder with the moon reflecting midnight blue off the river.

“What if they’re right?” Gaara asks after a moment. For the first time all day he feels hollow.

The blond looks at him sharply, eyes wide. Gaara has gone ashen white, eyes large and hollow.

“What if they’re right? What if I’m a monster? What if that’s it?” Gaara asks, voice monotone but not wavering the slightest bit, “What if it’s hard to be anything else?”

He's talking more to himself than anybody else, and he doesn’t say ‘we’, because nine-tails or not, Naruto could never be a monster. He’s too good. Too pure, somehow.

Gaara has never been good. Or pure. He was born like this. His very existance is tied to Shukaku's, and he can never rip himself from that.

  
Naruto is at his side in an instant, taking hold of his shoulders, blue eyes blazing.

  
“Nope!” he says, “You’re not a monster. Or a mindless weapon. You’re Gaara, my friend. You have a brother and sister and you live in Suna. You like the same ramen I do and you don’t like ice cream. You can’t stand the cold and your favorite color is red. You hate sweets. You don’t really understand video games and you could talk about plants all day. You like flowers and cacti and the sunshine. And most importantly,” he grins, “you like going on dates with me. And hell, that’s just what I learned about you since I've met you, there’s a ton more to you that I don't know!”

  
Naruto squeezes his shoulders, brows furrowed, “So no. You’re not a monster. Or just some weapon for your father or Suna to use. You’re so much more than that. Iruka-sensei once told me that people were like galaxies because they’re made up of so much. Like stars and planets and--you’re your own galaxy! You’re full of a bunch of stuff! There’s a lot to you!”

  
Gaara can’t say anything.

“So don’t call yourself a monster.” Naruto says, full of conviction as he stands and offers his hand to the other boy, "I don't let anyone insult my friends. Not even themselves."

  
Gaara--hollow and shaky--rises on numb legs and lets Naruto lead him back to his apartment.

  
The next day they go to Ichiraku Ramen for breakfast (and Gaara doesn’t get anything this time, he’s had his fill of ramen and when he tells Naruto the boy gives him a confused look) before his hand is taken in Naruto's and he's taken to meet Lady Hokage.

  
Naruto calls her Grandma Tsunade. Gaara can't help thinking that everyone is helpless as he is when it comes to Naruto. They can't help but love him.

  
It's quite a gift.

  
~~~~  
"You," Temari says, pointing to Gaara a few days later, when they've made it back home, "need a checkup."

  
Gaara doesn't say anything, he just holds his tea close and nods. He doesn't want to do it, he would rather do anything else, actually.

  
But this? Temari being concerned enough about him to state that she's taking him to a physician-even if he's kicking and screaming-makes him feel warm inside in a way that has nothing to do with the tea.

  
"Which doctor?" he asks quietly after a moment, looking up at his sister, "Everyone in the village knows who I am and I don't think a doctor would want to see me--"

  
"I have someone. I already made the appointments. I got it, don't worry." she tells him, with a small smile before turning back to her lunch.

  
"You did?" he asks, surprised.

"Yep. You're not weasling out of it either, so don't try because I will find you." she says casually, like they've been doing to brother-sister act forever instead of it being the shaky new development it is, "Mom would come back just to kill me if I let you only live on gizzard or let you drop dead at 20 because you refuse to drink water or something."

  
The mention of their mother is what throws Gaara of the most. The easy mention of the woman that haunts his thoughts a lot more often than he's sure anyone knows.

  
The mention of the woman Gaara is sure he's responsible for killing. He killed their mother just by daring to exist and Gaara holds that large, ugly bundle of pain and guilt in a small, dark and confined chamber in his chest, where he can keep it close. Where he can drown himself in it.

  
But right now it's not...unpleasant. Not at all. The mention took him by surprise but he's...weirdly okay with it. Actually, he has a question. Something he's always wanted to ask before he stompled all sentimentality out of himself by force. He never thought he'd get the chance. He never thought anyone would want to tell him.

  
It might be safe to ask it now, though.

  
"What was she like?" he asks, quietly.

  
Temari pauses, tensing slightly. She turns around, an apple in hand, "Who? Mom?"

  
Gaara manages a small nod, heart pounding.

  
He wonders if their mother was how he always imaged her. Smiling. Warm. Loving.

  
He'd spent so long dreaming about her. How it would be if she were there. How she'd comb his hair and hug him whenever he needed it. How she'd talk with him for hours. How he'd crawl into bed with her when the dark of night got to be too much for him. How she'd nag him about chores and doing well in school and how he'd probably huff at her but still be so happy that someone cared.

  
He wonders about her personality quirks, how she spoke, her favorite food. He wants to know everything. He needs to know. A long weakened part of him flares up as Temari gives him a sad but considering look. She looks somewhat surprised too, but not really upset. She looks...pleased.

  
"Get some breakfast that isn't tea and meet me on the roof. I'm going to tell you everything about mom."


	4. Chapter 4

Gaara spends all that night thinking about what Temari told him about their mother. He replays the conversation over and over, and he turns Temari's words over in his mind.

"She always liked father's red hair. Yours is even redder. I'm sure she liked yours too."

Gaara reaches a hand up and brushes his fingers lightly across his bangs, eyes far away.

"Do you think so?"

Temari nods. Gaara sits with that for a moment.

"Do you think she'd like me?", he asks a moment later. It's a question he's always had, and he's almost afraid of the answer.

Turns out he needn't have worried.

Temari looks at him, surprised, "Of course, she'd love you. She _does_ love you, wherever she is."

The night passes quickly for the first time in a long, long time.

~~~~~

They're going to start missions again soon. Baki tells them when they're all gathered in the common area of the Kazekage mansion one night. Kankuro shrugs, continuing to mess with the puppet arm he's tinkering with while Temari dozes on the couch.

Gaara sits cross-legged on the floor, blinking at their leader.

Missions. He can't avoid it, no matter how risky it'll be on active duty while trying to repress Shukaku. Things will only get more complicated from here on in, and he isn't really looking forward to it, but he's a shinobi.

He has to endure.

~~~~~

The appointment is quicker than Gaara thought it would be. The doctor is an old, kind-looking man that Gaara has never seen before, even when he used to chance wandering around the village.

Then again, people did tend to stay away from him, so there are probaly quite a few people he's never seen simply because they've probably run when they saw him coming.

But this old man doesn't seem to look at Gaara with any contempt, fear or anger, and instead asks him why he looks so grumpy as soon as he sees him. The man smiles at him and extends one worn, wrinkled and leathery hand, telling him that he has nothing to worry about.

Gaara doesn't know what to say, so he stares and says nothing. The man just chuckles at him.

Afterwards he gives Temari a scroll full of information about Gaara's current health status, and Gaara himself refrains from grimacing (though only barely), because now she has a list of things wrong with him and she'll fuss like never before. And get Kankuro in on it too. As much of a pleasant change it is to let his siblings care about him he's not looking forward to the nagging he knows he'll endure.

He doesn't cringe, but he shoots the doctor a withering look. 

A lot of the examination couldn't be done the usual way, what with Gaara's sand, but with a bit of ninjutsu, some maneuvering and creativity the physician gets around it. It takes longer and is mostly trial and error, and by the end Gaara is a bit emotionally and socially exhausted from the interaction alone, but it gets done and he supposes that that counts as a success in the end.

Gaara is 12, 54 inches tall, underweight, and apparently suffering from high blood pressure from the combinations of ongoing strain, stress, anxiety, psychosis and what they think is probably depression. Thanks to Shukaku he heals a bit faster than most, but he's still a walking time bomb more or less. If he keeps going like he has been, with the strain of losing control wearing on his body, soon the damage will be irreparable. The doctor goes on but Gaara stops listening when the doctor continues on.

The list of things wrong with him is almost comically long in his opinion. He didn't expect much better though, really.

He's also small for his age (though Gaara doesn't believe that really, since Uzumaki and the Uchiha were about the same size as him, but then again they are all orphans who had no one taking care of them for years while not knowing how to take care of themselves, so maybe that isn't the best comparison, so he doesn't say anything), apparently. Gaara tries to remember how big Temari and Kankuro were at his age. He can't remember.

He's not surprised his body is a wreck, but he'd rather not hear about it. He has enough to think about.

Gaara sits on the floor and covers his ears, staring at the wall until Kankuro taps his shoulder and tells him they've finished speaking and it's time to leave.

He ignores his siblings' stricken and worried expressions.

~~~~

After that, both Temari and Kankuro refuse to leave him alone. Gaara supposes the doctor's visit scared them, and he suffers through more meals in a day than he's used to, composed of foods he doesn't particularly like, but they both insist on. How is he supposed to go on missions again when his stomach hurts all the time?

"No tea." Temari tells him, putting a cup down in front of him, "Water."

Gaara opens his mouth to protest but is cut off by Kankuro shaking his head and giving him a stern look, "Nope, no arguing."

Gaara sighs, looking down at the assortment of greens and heavy starch on his plate. He's still full from breakfast--which was also more food than Gaara is used to eating in a week, courtesy of Kankuro--and he feels like he might be sick even looking at more of it.

His siblings sit down across from him and monitor his meals now, oftentimes eating themselves as well so he doesn't flee, and Gaara is fine with that, he likes their company, but he still feels a bit like a bug under a microscope.

When left to his own devices, he usually eats about once a day (if that) and it's usually something small like tea and some bread he grabs or something like that. He's not used to so much food so frequently.

He tries to get through the meal, he really does, but he ends up throwing up before he even finishes. Temari rubs at his back as he retches into the toilet and Kankuro swears, running to grab him a cup of water.

It all culminates in him laying in bed, curled on his side with his sister running her hands through his hair and his brother on his other side, snoring lightly.

His stomach aches and he feels sick, but he guesses it doesn't end too badly. It's not so bad if they're both here with him.

How can it be?

~~~~

Gaara escapes his siblings one morning and flees into the main district of the village.

He knows he's been reckless before he even lays eyes on anyone, but he's already here and he knows if he goes back his siblings will fuss. He decides to just face the villagers. He'll have to eventually, and he finds himself feeling a bit trapped in their corner of the Kage mansion anyway.

Gaara walks, avoiding the suspicious and scared eyes that land on him and stare. He ignores the whispers. How they move away from him. How streets clear when they see him coming. At least no one screams at him this time.

A ball rolls towards his feet. Gaara freezes.

It's not like this hasn't happened before. Gaara almost wants to ignore the toy and walk away. He knows exactly what'll happen if he picks it up and tries to offer it back to the children playing with it. They'll yell at him and reject him. Gaara knows how this goes, he's been through it before. He should just walk away.

He should just--

Gaara picks up the ball and holds it out towards the small boy who eyes it. Gaara tries.

And that little boy simply looks at him, smiles shyly and runs up to take the ball from Gaara's hand with a rushed and breathless 'thank you' before he runs off to play again.

Gaara stands like that for a long moment, hands still outstretched. He...wasn't expecting that.

But then again...That boy was about four at _most_? He couldn't possibly know who Gaara was and what he's done. Maybe the older people will look at him like a monster, but these smaller kids...they wouldn't. They may hear stories, and be told not to look in his direction, but he isn't a monster to them. More like a nebulous existence that they hear rumors about, but they hold no resentment for him personally.

Maybe there's a way he can do this after all.

Gaara finally unfreezes and heads back to his siblings.

~~~~

He considers telling them about the interaction during dinner but he decides against it. He would prefer to listen to Temari and Kankuro bicker.

~~~~

Gaara wonders how long Shukaku has been planning this attack. How long he's been planning to hoard all his rage just to throw it in Gaara's face as revenge for ignoring and suppressing him.

Gaara has a panic attack while on the roof the next afternoon, and he finds himself hunched over and throwing up again (after the elaborately large and nutritious breakfast Kankuro managed to make for him) before he can process what's happening. Shukaku isn't even screaming any intelligable words, the demon just shrieks and thrashes. He doesn't try to take Gaara over, but the demon just seems content to push every negative emotion at Gaara at once, and it not only catches him off guard but makes his entire being capsize in panic and grief.

Suddenly everything seems pitch black and he can't see much less breathe. He struggles for air.

He can't do this. It's too hard, and maybe Gaara isn't really strong at all. There are times when Shukaku is screaming and telling him to rip everyone apart and no one is there to help. Not like anyone would if they were there. They'd probably run away, and with good reason.

Gaara is alone. He has to deal with this himself. He has to deal with this age-old  _demon_ by _himself_. He's less alone than he was, but he is still so horrifyingly lonely he can hardly breathe sometimes.

It _hurts_. Shukaku tears at his brain.

It _hurts_.

Naruto has those bonds. Gaara doesn't.

How is he supposed to do this if everything is working against him? People sneer at him or look at him with such fear, anger and disgust that he feels Shukaku clawing at his psyche, begging to be let out as soon as Gaara starts to feel the beginning pangs of that bone-deep sadness realized by his throat closing and something like bile rising into his throat. He feels the rage start to build before he can stop it. Gaara tenses until it hurts. He _can't_ lose control.

He won't. He won't hurt anyone. Not anymore.

He rarely cries anymore, but that pressure behind his eyes is always there, and he isn't sure how to get rid of it.

Or if he even can.

In the end the hysteria passes, Shukaku is sufficiently ignored for the time being and Gaara stands, shaking but upright. He shoves those thoughts away and tries to focus on action. If he is going to do this he can't think himself out of it. In his mind, theoretically, anything could happen, but if he actually does something there's a chance things can change. His thoughts are influenced by his own experiences. His own life. He can't fully trust them.

But actions? He can trust those. He can do something.

He can't be in this much pain anymore. He won't let this go on.

~~~

Gaara asks Baki about training later that day. It had been a task to even find the man, seeing as while he and his siblings are on leave the elders keep Baki busy with missions and such, but he does find him and the man looks surprised to see him before he even hears his question. Gaara needs to stay busy. Being idle will be his downfall, he's sure.

As stand-offish as Baki is, Gaara can never really remember the man looking at Gaara any differently than he looks at anyone else. 

Baki seems to _always_ look like he's sucking on a lemon. Maybe that's why Gaara doesn't mind him.

Which is most likely why he'd been asked to lead their team in the first place, though. 

Gaara has never given it much thought because well, before what did he care?

The man agrees.

They start training again in two days.

~~~~~

On the same day they've arranged to go see their father's grave, Kankuro ends up having to calm Gaara down from a panic attack so strong it makes him dizzy and breathless, lungs working overtime to get air into them while his mind, brain, soul and body all panic. Kankuro will admit that he's not great at this, but he does his best. Temari is across the village, and as terrified as Kankuro is he doesn't intend to just leave Gaara gasping in his bedroom alone. He takes his little brother by the shoulders and tries to talk to him, tell him it's okay and that he's not alone. That his big brother is there. _That he won't leave._  

Gaara starts screaming eventually, clutching at his hair and digging his nails into his arms, blackened eyes clenched shut.

Kankuro knows Gaara is fighting off Shukaku, and he's terrified to be so close (if that thing comes out he's _dead_. Very, _very_ dead) but he bites down the bile and fear and _stays_. This is Gaara fighting for control of his own mind right in front of him. He can't leave him. He has no one else. Who else could help him?

Kankuro's sure the isolation alone that Gaara has faced would drive him mad too. No wonder his little brother is having such a hard time.

He's afraid for him. What kind of chaos is going on in his baby brother's head? Kankuro is forced to hold Gaara like a vice while the other boy thrashes and kicks. 

Gaara calms down eventually, thanking Kankuro then disappearing.

~~~~~

Later that day Kankuro bitterly kicks a rock at their father's grave. The stone is wide, detailing the man's accomplishments and the middle child grumbles, folding his arms. 

Temari just stares at it with a frown. And Gaara mysteriously disappeared when they prepared to go, like he always does.

Kankuro doesn't blame him. He doesn't even know why he himself is here.

Temari looks at him in a silent question when Kankuro makes another displeased sound.

"What?" he grumbles, "Temari, why do we even still come here? It's not like he even liked us. Why honor him by even bothering with...this?"

Temari's lips thin in thought. Something like sadness crosses her face. Kankuro's fists clench.

"He was an abusive ass. He hurt Gaara, and he hurt us too." Kankuro fumes,

"He claimed to love Mom but he made her seal a demon in her youngest son. He fucked with Gaara's brain for experiments. He tortured him and tore his brain apart, and then had the nerve to be pissy when Gaara couldn't handle it. He made me fear my little brother. He tore us apart when that's the last thing Mom ever wanted. He was hardly even around. I hate him. And you should too."

They're silent for a moment. Temari agrees. 

He knows she does. And he knows she's furious at their father, just like he is.

"I'm not coming here again unless it's to kick this fuckin' stone in half."

He turns and walks away.

After a moment, Temari leaves too. She doesn't look back at the headstone.

~~~~

At the end of training Baki looks at Gaara closely for a long moment before he says, "What happened to you?"

Gaara shrugs, thanks him and leaves.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is super late and not very long but here it is!


	5. Chapter 5

_‘They hate you. They all know what you are.’_ Shukaku screams as Gaara tries to buy something from a frightened looking shopkeeper. The man is wary, hands shaking as he hands Gaara his items.

Usually he wouldn't even bother doing this. He knows how the village feels about him. At this point, he's a monster. A weapon. Temari says he's wrong, but Gaara isn't sure he can believe her just yet. She and Kankuro have been so nice to him lately that he isn't sure what’s real or not.

He wants to be more than a weapon. That's the thing. And to do that he thinks that maybe he should try and interact with the village. Do his own shopping and wander around when he can. Maybe talk to some people if he's feeling brave enough (though he feels like that will take a while, he's not very good at the whole conversation thing yet, and they still despise him).

It could work, or it could be like last time. When he was a child and trying to make friends only to be shunned and heckled. He can control his power better now at least. Hopefully that changes things.

The shopkeeper eyes him, terrified. Gaara tries to be as pleasant as possible, which--for him--means . He thanks the man, takes the pastries and goes on his way, ignoring the sand spirit taunting him, the whispers and the stares. He grips the bag in his hands, willing himself not to crush the pastries.

He buys four. One for himself, Temari and Kankuro, and one for Baki.

His siblings smile, surprised and happy when he clumsily offers the snacks to them while Baki looks at him with big eyes and gently thanks him, looking touched at the gesture, and he starts to feel like maybe the stress of the social interaction with the shopkeeper was worth it.

~~~~

He gets his first letter from Naruto that afternoon.

His handwriting is in scribbles, messier and messier as it goes on. Like he'd gotten more and more excited as he wrote, talking about his master's antics and his new jutsus. Gaara feels a lot better after reading it. He can almost hear Naruto’s voice rattling off every sentence.

The last paragraph is what really makes his heart stutter though.

_I hope you're okay, I miss you lots. I'm gonna force Pervy Sage to take me to Suna at some point, and maybe you can show me around! You can meet Pervy Sage too, he's annoying and weird but he's okay I guess. I’m not sure if you’d like him though, he’s kind of a lot and he says weird stuff. Anyway I was thinking about what you said when we fought in the forest, and I hope you're not too lonely. If you are just tell me and I'll be there as soon as I can. It's about time for another date I think._

Below it there's a rushed little stick drawing of them holding hands. Gaara hangs it on his bedroom wall. No one has ever drawn him a picture before.

~~~~

Gaara takes a few days to write back simply because he isn't sure what to say, and when he does write back it’s short, and he still isn’t entirely sure what Naruto would even be interested in even hearing about. He writes a short letter about his doctor’s visits and his siblings, and how he has to start going on missions soon. He doesn’t reread it, but he sends it and hopes he’s doing this whole friendship thing correctly.

It can be oddly hard communicating with Naruto sometimes. It’s easier than everyone else simply because the blond boy understands him like no one else can, but Naruto is still so far ahead of him in everything that Gaara finds himself at a loss for what to say. Would Naruto even want to hear about things like Gaara’s daily life and such? The boy is training with one of the Sannin, surely whatever Gaara has to say can’t be exciting in the least.

And then there’s something else.

There are some things that--no matter how similar they are--Gaara would never tell Naruto. Like how sometimes he wonders if he should just rid the world of both himself and Shukaku.

He thinks about that a lot. It would be hard, what with his sand shield he can't control that stops any attack against him, but he could find a way, he's sure. Only two people in Suna would be--at least--mildly upset that he's gone, but they'd get over it, and maybe it would be for the greater good. His very presence is a threat.

That, plus Gaara's in pain, more often than not. It’s not about Gaara feeling sorry for himself, it’s more about what’s best for them all. He even regards _this_ decision with a distance that makes it pretty easy to contemplate. Why be here if he doesn’t necessarily want to be, and can’t even find a reason to stay? It’s...logic.

He's in that odd space between reasons for living. Before he lived to do what he wanted. He lived to kill and curse the entire world that dealt him this crap hand in life, and he was content to do just that. He cherished his own life above others because...well, no one else cherished his life so he may as well. But now he doesn't want that anymore, and so if he doesn't have his previous objective then why is he alive? He hasn't found anything else yet, and his new plans are still new enough that they’re shaky and not even fully formed, so he doesn’t even really have that.

If he did it, he'd be serious about it.

Gaara doesn't like failure, so he'd find the most efficient way possible and end it for good. Naruto would be upset he guesses, but the boy has other friends, and Gaara is not foolish enough to overestimate his importance to _anybody_ , much less someone who is fast on the track of becoming the hero of the shinobi world.

Naruto would be fine. He'd get over it.

Temari and Kankuro would be fine as well.

Why is he still here?

He spends the entire night weighing his options. By morning he's still alive, but he doesn't feel any better about it. He doesn’t feel any particular way about it.

Gaara just... _is_.

~~~~

Gaara is slowly getting used to the meals he's given, though he still tends to throw up more often than he'd like.

He has to be weighed at the doctor's office next month, and his siblings waste no time trying to stuff him with food until then. Kankuro walks up to him and drops a bean pastry in his lap when he's sitting at the table drinking some water, staring into space. Temari puts glasses of water in his hands whenever she finds him.

Kankuro hands him an apple when he finds Gaara in the sand pits again, and Temari gives him a bag of cherries she bought at the market.

He feels like he's eating all the time. Gaara doesn't really like it. The fruits are too sweet and he's unused to the flavors of some foods that his brother makes. He likes Temari's cooking better.

One day he does draw the line though, and doesn't come out of his room, telling them he has a stomach ache. It's not a lie, he does.

"You have to eat." Temari tells him through the door. Gaara says nothing, curled in on himself on his bed.

"At least a glass of water?" Kankuro asks.

Gaara doesn't move. He supposes he can be a bit difficult for one day, after everything.

~~~

Two days later the Sand is attacked by cloud ninja the same day Gaara has his checkup and is told that he's already progressing better than he was.

Gaara first instinct is to ignore it and let the others take care of it. Conflict isn’t really his area anymore really anyway. Plus, if they needed their ultimate weapon he would be dragged out there soon enough anyway, by some elder that feared him as much as hated him.

He hears the shouts of jonin from the village entrance despite being so far away, and he senses neither Temari or Kankuro’s chakra throughout the house, and he finds himself worried by that. Did they run off to help? Where are they? Why did they not tell him they were leaving? Did they know he would run after them? There are times when Kankuro and Temari are sent to deal with a threat without Gaara, since the council fears Shukaku being released. Is this another one of those times? Are they hurt?

If this goes badly or invaders get too far into the village being as strong as they are, Temari or Kankuro could be in danger or...they could even die. They could be killed in battle and if Gaara did nothing...then…

Then that means he’d have let his siblings die _when he could have done something._

That little boy who wasn’t afraid of him could die as well. And what about Baki? The man is most definitely fighting right now, seeing as he’s a jonin.

Gaara finds himself moving away from the sand pits behind the mansion and toward the entrance of the village before he can think himself out of it.

Before he can think about it, he's running.

~~~

The entrance to the village is a mess of a battlefield, but the intruders are either dead or captured by Suna shinobi, and the only threat are the other intruders that they know are moving across the desert to ambush them in a second wave of attacks.

Gaara feels the stares, but he only skids to a stop long enough to hear of the rest of the enemies making their way to them, and to see Kankuro--injured and kneeling with Temari by his side, bleeding from his shoulder and looking pale--and Temari before he runs off again without a thought.

Kankuro is already hurt. If more of those shinobi showed up--

Gaara ignores the commands and screams of his superiors and dashes off into the desert.

He can’t let them reach the entrance.

~~~

Gaara comes to in the middle of the desert, about a half a day away from home, his skin blistering from laying in the heat and coarseness of the sand on his skin without his shield. The sun burns at his skin, and he wakes, parched and in pain, eyes immediately blinded. On his back on the burning sand--the heat seeping through his clothes--he sits up, trying to blink some moisture into his eyes, his mouth dry and his head pounding. He’s low on chakra.

He doesn’t look at the bodies he’s left in his wake as Shukaku settles back, bloodlust sated for now. Gaara remembers bits of the commotion, the pain of releasing Shukaku and the screams of his enemies as he tore them apart and threw them about. At least he’d moved at least a little ways away form the carnage before sealing Shukaku back and collapsing in exhaustion.

He doesn't move for a moment, gathering his strength to make the journey back.

A canteen is shoved in his face. The boy jumps, having no idea anyone was even there. He’s so disoriented he didn’t even notice anyone else’s presence.

"Drink some." Baki orders, and Gaara does. He takes the metal canister with shaking fingers, gulping down the water before looking up at Baki.

The man is breathing heavy and sweating, eyes on Gaara, roaming like he’s looking for injuries. He has a head scarf and a small bag of apples in his handsas well.

Did Baki come all the way out here to retrieve him? Did he _run_ all the way out here, after him?

“I’m fine.” Gaara offers, still somewhat confused by Baki’s presence.

Baki nods, “How do you feel?”

Gaara finishes the water, “Dizzy.”

“...You took them out. The Cloud ninja. Before they could reach the village.”

The man drapes the cloth around Gaara's head, the wind picking up and the headscarf keeping the sand from pelting Gaara’s blistering skin any more than it already has.

Baki really ran out here after a battle, during a sandstorm just to make sure Gaara was okay? The redhead doesn’t understand. Why would he do such a thing? What if Gaara was still in his partial transformation? What if he was dangerous?

Did Baki just...not care?

Baki hands him an apple, makes sure Gaara eats it, and then surprises the worn out child by lifting him onto his back, prompting Gaara to wrap blistered arms around Baki’s neck to steady himself. He makes a noise of alarm, and his sensei turns to peer back at him.

“Situated?” he asks, like this is normal for them, like they do this all the time.

Gaara nods slowly.

The boy is asleep within ten minutes. Baki is sure not to jostle him, knowing how rare sleep ever comes to the child.

Gaara is able to sleep peacefully for a few hours, and not even Shukaku disturbs him.

~~~~

The villagers watch as a sand jonin walks through the streets, with that terror of a boy on his back, sleeping soundly, though his skin is peeling and scabbing in places.

“They say he ran into the desert and released the Shukaku to stop the remaining intruders.” Someone says, eyes on the boy.

“He did?”

“ _That_ boy?”

“I heard that too.”

~~~~~~

Kankuro insists on putting salve on the already healing blisters on his little brother’s arms, face and neck before he hands the task off to Temari so he can put the kettle over the fire for their leader, who sits slumped in an armchair after carrying their little brother for miles.

Kankuro winces at the pain radiating from his bandaged shoulder as he hands Baki a mug of tea.

“We didn’t tell him because we hoped he’d stay in the mansion.” Temari says, gingerly wrapping bandages around Gaara’s already healing hands, “We didn’t want him running out there.”

“He secluded himself in the desert to transform and stop the intruders from reaching the village.” Baki tells him, tiredly, “Who knows how many lives he’s saved.”

Temari looks at Gaara, then back at Baki, surprised.

“He did what?” Kankuro snaps.

Gaara stirs, eyes opening a fraction and landing on his siblings, “Temari? Kankur-”

“You could have died!” Kankuro cries, “Don’t you ever--”

“I think he’s got it, Kankuro.” Baki says, calming the other boy. Kankuro settles down, though he still doesn’t look happy in the least.

“How are you feeling?” Temari asks.

Gaara blinks, looking at the bandage she wraps around his blistered wrist, “Thirsty. Are you and Kankuro okay?”

Kankuro returns, handing him a cup of water.

Temari nods, “We’re fine. Are you?”

Gaara nods.

“Good.” she sighs, relieved, “You even got some sleep, so that’s good too.”

Gaara nods again.

“You can’t run off like that.” Kankuro says, “You gave us a heart attack.”

Gaara sits up and sips at the water, looking between Baki and his older brother.

“You two disappeared too.” Gaara reasons. Kankuro frowns.

“We’re older.” Kankuro says, and that’s all he gives in way of an explanation. Gaara looks at him, debating challenging his brother’s overprotectiveness before he decides he’s too drained to do so right now. Gaara just shrugs and drinks his water, thanking Temari when she finishes wrapping his arms.

~~~~

By morning Gaara’s blisters are mostly healed--though still tender--and he’s told by both Kankuro and Temari that he still has a pretty serious red hue from sunburn, but he feels better.


	6. Chapter 6

Temari slaps Gaara’s hand away from the scab he picks at on his arm, “Stop.”

Gaara’s hand drops. Kankuro picks up his arm and examines the damage.

“Shouldn’t your sand stop you from doing that?” he asks, and Gaara shrugs.

“The more control I get over it the more I can suppress even my shield. Not always though. Only when I really try.”

“You’re _trying_ to injure yourself?”

“I don’t think so. But subconsciously I guess I stopped the sand anyway.”

They seem to believe him, and Gaara makes an effort to leave his blisters alone. They’re barely there anyway, thanks to Shukaku slowly and reluctantly healing him.

~~~~~~

Temari pulls him aside one morning while Kankuro is digging in the fridge for ingredients for breakfast.

“Kankuro’s birthday is soon,” she says, “I think we should plan something for him. What do you think?”

Gaara blinks at her. What do people usually do on birthdays? For one of his Yashamaru made him a cake, but…

“A cake?” he offers, unsure.

“Yes! We should make him one!” Temari grins, “We should have a party.”

“A party?” Gaara asks, before he thinks it over, “...He would like that.”

“Ya think so?”

Gaara nods. Parties always sounded enjoyable from what he'd heard. He's never been to one, though.

“Okay! So we’ll make a cake and plan a party. I think that’ll be nice. Between the two of us we should be able to get it done. We can’t tell him anything, okay?”

“We can’t?” Gaara asks. He doesn’t really like hiding things from his siblings anymore.

Temari shrugs, “Well, birthday parties are usually surprises.”

Gaara blinks at her, “Oh. Okay.”

~~~~~

He and Temari sneak out of the mansion and buy decorations and ingredients for a cake two days later. He shakes Temari awake early that morning, when he knows his older brother is still asleep but the shops have just begun to open, and they tiptoe through the house, talking in hushed voices as they list what they have and what they need.

They soundlessly leave the mansion and huddle together over their list, searching markets and gathering what they need. They buy presents as well, stuffing their bags full.

Once again, Temari ignores the whispers and stares and keeps her focus on her brother like she intends to distract him as well, until she hears someone’s conversation and pauses. Gaara doesn’t look at her. Who knows what they’re saying about him, or what she heard.

“Gaara.” she turns, smiling lightly at him, “They’re talking about how you helped saved the village from the Cloud.”

He blinks. What?

His sister just smiles at him and moves to the next market, list in hand. Gaara rushes to follow her.

~~~~~

Trying to keep the party under wraps poses as a challenge--even with Baki’s help.

Baki takes Kankuro out for training at Temari’s request, and she and Gaara huddle around the bowl in the kitchen and dump eggs, cake mix and sugar into it, clumsily following the directions that Baki carefully left for them.

Kankuro is the chef out of the three of them, and without him they stumble through measuring out butter and powdered sugar for frosting.

Temari preheats the oven too high.

Gaara puts entirely too much food coloring in the frosting.

By the end they’re both covered in flour and just happy that the thing isn’t lopsided.

“It looks good.” Temari sighs, hands on her hips as she looks over their work. Gaara nods.

Before them is a very, very, _very_ purple cake.

~~~~~~~

Cleaning the kitchen, themselves, wrapping up the cake and then slyly giving it to Baki when he drops off Kankuro is both a test of strength, stealth and will that thankfully Temari and Gaara are able to pull off somehow.

It would be too risky to keep the cake in their house--the chances of Kankuro stumbling across it are too great--so giving it to Baki was their only option. He’d agreed to keep it safe until Kankuro’s birthday.

Their brother doesn’t suspect a thing.

~~~~~~~

It’s late that night that Gaara gets an idea.

And it’s terrifying, but it could be the beginning of the rest of his life. A good life. For him. And that worth the effort, he thinks.

~~~~~~~~

“Why don’t we get many S or A rank missions?” Gaara asks one day after training.

The fact that Baki isn’t afraid of train him already means that Gaara trusts him more than anyone outside of Temari and Kankuro, so the question he has to ask is something he can trust Baki with, he thinks. He would ask his siblings, but he doesn’t want them to know yet, and he doesn't want to distract from planning for Kankuro's birthday. He still needs an outside opinion.

“Well, you three are the Fourth’s children, so politically speaking, we can’t put you in too much danger, which is why you three have only done the few A rank missions that specifically require your skills. The regular troops are the ones who--”

“Could I join?” Gaara asks suddenly, not looking at him, “Do you think I could?”

Baki blinks at him, surprised, “Well, of course I think you _could_ , but why would you want to? Wouldn’t you rather stay with Temari and Kankuro?”

Gaara shrugs, “I want to, but I’m not sure that’s best.”

“Why? Did something happen?”

“No. I just need to start...talking to other people. I need to...to...” the boy trails off, and Baki nods.

“You’re trying to be a part of the village.” Baki finishes for him. Gaara tenses and freezes, still refusing to look him in the eye.

Baki moves to stand in front of him and his face goes serious and hard before he leans down to be eye-level with the child. The man looks at him intently, and Gaara fights the urge to take a step back from the scrutinizing gaze that’s a lot closer than he’s used to anyone but his siblings being. Gaara doesn’t move, but he can’t help leaning back slightly, surprised and somewhat alarmed. Baki wouldn’t hurt him, he's sure, but it’s still odd behavior even for his very unusual sensei.

After a moment Baki simply blinks and says, “You can do it. I think you’ll be very good at it. You should try.”

Gaara looks up at him as the man straightens, “Really?”

Baki nods, “You’ll win them over. Just don’t stop trying, alright? You’ll definitely get there.”

Gaara feels his eyes go wide as he nods.

Baki continues with training like nothing has happened at all.

~~~~~~~~

The morning of Kankuro’s birthday Gaara is hanging up a banner with his sister while Baki hangs the streamers.

They’re lucky Kankuro likes to sleep in late, or else they’d have no window of time to decorate at all. Baki unwraps the cake and Gaara watches as he places the candles carefully in the shape of a 14. He steps back and examines it.

“You two did a good job.”

Temari grins, “Ya think so?”

Baki nods, “It’s very...uh, purple.”

“Kankuro likes purple.” Gaara offers helpfully.

They have the place decorated within two hours, and by the time Kankuro stumbles down the stairs, rubbing his eyes and grumbling, the entire place is set up and they’re waiting on him to show up, more than anything.

Kankuro stares at them through tired eyes, brain catching up with the rest of him.

“Happy birthday!” Temari cheers.

Gaara hands him one of his presents, “This one is from me.”

~~~~~~~~

“You guys really did this for me?” Kankuro sniffles.

“Are you crying?” Gaara asks.

“ _No_.”

~~~~~~~~

“Have you thought more about joining the troops?” Baki asks the next morning.

Gaara nods, “I want to do it.”

“Have you looked into the requirements yet?”

He shakes his head, “Not yet.”

“Well, Suna demands that all shinobi pass a written test, so they’re sure of everyone’s skills before we place them into squads--”

“A test?”

Temari nods, “To evaluate reading, writing and problem solving skills. Things like that.”

Gaara frowns.

“They have practice tests.” Baki tells him, “I’ll bring you one.”

~~~~

Gaara fails the practice test by two points.

He finds that it’s hard to fail when one is used to being easily able to take to difficult things. His writing and reading scores were the lowest, and Baki looks over his test carefully as Gaara shifts and fidgets next to him, unsure what to think. His IQ and scores for the problem solving portion are off the charts, almost breaking records--Baki says--but his reading and writing are almost abysmal.

Gaara, having never went to the academy and who was left alone for most of his childhood, is told he needs to attend remedial classes to improve his reading and writing, not to mention his mathematics. He’s at a subpar level, and if he’s going to go on regular mission with the regular troops he’ll need to improve. He could either go to classes at the academy, or he could handle it himself and take the test when he feels ready, on his own time. He chooses the latter. He’s already focused on so much, and he doesn't want to overwhelm himself with too many new experiences so soon. That, and he’s a bit nervous and embarrassed that he has to improve on such a basic skill to begin with, and he knows that going to school now, as socially stunted as he is, would be something akin to a nightmare.

Granted he should have these things down, but when one is a volatile and violent child with immense power, few adults are going to force them to go to school, hence why--though he's wildly intelligent--Gaara doesn't quite match up when it comes to reading or writing written word. Not like the elders would have allowed him to go to school with the rest of Suna's children anyway. His father had tutored him, but then early on he was passed onto Yashamaru, and once his uncle died and Gaara spun out of control, his education pretty much ended at age six. Baki tells him he's only twelve, and he'll catch up easier than he thinks, but he isn't so sure.

Gaara had planned to tackle the task of his re-education himself, but of course Temari and Kankuro end up involved and insist on helping. They refuse to let him do this alone, and Gaara is grateful. They're not thrilled about him wanting to join the regular troops, but they don't try to stop him. They seem more inclined to try and be as supportive of his choice as possible, though they still worry. He can see it.

Kankuro helps with his writing, having the best spelling and handwriting of all three of them, and Temari helps him with his reading, seeing as she reads quicker and more smoothly than her brothers.

Kankuro buys him some study and workbooks, and Temari picks up some mid-level books about plants.

“I think it’ll be easier if you’re using material you’re interested in.” she says in way of an explanation, “Baki mentioned you looking at some cacti in the sand pits the last time you were training, so I figured plants and gardening would be a good place to start.”

~~~~~

“Temari?” What does that say?” Gaara asks, pointing to a long, complicated word in one of his study books.

His older sister puts down her fan and the cloth she's using to clean it and pulls Gaara closer to her to get a better look, leaning her arm on his shoulder.

“Let's sound out the syllables,” she says, “I could tell you, but I think it'd be fulfilling for you to figure it out yourself.”

Gaara nods and she takes a seat beside him, both of them leaning over the book. She helps him with the letters, and soon he knows both the definition, how to say it, and how to spell it.

“Thank you.” Gaara mumbles shyly to his sister, still new at being able to ask for help from someone who will actually acknowledge him.

“No problem.” Temari says easily, and Gaara notices how she doesn’t hesitate even a beat before she says, “Always here if you need me.”

Gaara nods, “I know.”

She smiles.

~~~~~

“How's it going?”

“My hand hurts.” Gaara frowns, putting the pen down and shrugging, “And I can't get some of the letters right.”

Kankuro looks over his words, a slight smile in his lips, “But you're doing better. Your handwriting is a lot less shaky, you just need more practice, squirt.”

Temari appears by his side, “Yeah! You improved a lot.”

Kankuro moves around Temari to lean on the desk Gaara sits at, “Here.”

He shows him how to rewrite one of the words in which he missed a letter, and then Gaara tries, hand shaky as he holds the pen, grip awkward and unused to doing such a thing.

“There you go.” Kankuro smiles once he's done, “You're going to get it in no time.”

Gaara blinks down at the paper and frowns, “I hope so.”

“Hey,” Kankuro says again, suddenly very serious, “You'll get it. Trust me, okay?”

Gaara has never been good with trust.

But he chooses to trust his brother.

~~~~

Gaara opens the door the next morning to find Baki on the other side. Gaara looks up at him, not knowing what to say. They aren’t supposed to train until tomorrow.

“Come on.” Baki says, turning on his heel.

And Gaara goes with hardly a thought. He doesn’t have his gourd, and he doesn't have anything other than his nighttime clothing on, but he puts on his shoes and runs to catch up with his teacher, looking up at him in question as he follows him.

He leads him past the medical ward of the Kazekage complex and then through the center of the village, already bleached with sun despite how early it is. Gaara finds himself walking a little closer to Baki’s familiar presence under the eyes of the village, who stare and whisper as he walks past them.

The man seems to notice Gaara’s discomfort and--much to Gaara’s surprise--puts a hand on his shoulder and moves to partially shield the child from the village’s gaze. Baki doesn’t say anything, but Gaara knows.

Baki is protecting him.

~~~~

It’s a plant sanctuary. Baki props open the door and leads Gaara inside, taking him around to all the potted plants on the tables and telling Gaara about each one.

The boy goes from confused to interested, eyeing each plant as Baki explains how they grow and what they’re good for.

Baki shows him the cacti next. They’re small, bulbous little things, covered in spikes and flowers, and Gaara finds himself drawn to them.

He points to one, “What kind is this?”

Baki explains and Gaara picks up the potted plant, looking at it intently. The flower is purple. Kankuro would like it. He picks up another. It has a gold-yellow flower. It reminds him of Temari’s hair.

“Do you like those?” Baki asks. Gaara doesn’t look away from the plants, but he nods.

Baki studies him for a moment, “They’re yours. You only have to water them every few days.”

Gaara looks up at him, “I can...have them?”

“Yes. You’ve been working hard lately, I think these two would be good for you. Take good care of them, alright?”

Gaara nods.

~~~~

He secretly names his cacti. The one with the purple flower is Kankuro, and the gold one is Temari. When they’ve gotten bigger he plans to give them to them, as a thank you for helping him as much as they have. It can’t have been easy.

His room feels a little fuller with the plants on his windowsill. It’s like they’re alive and occupying the room with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as smart as gaara is it isn't realistic that he wouldn't need help with academics since im reasonably sure that no one was making him go to school during his terror years


	7. Chapter 7

Every week, on either a Thursday or Saturday--when he has his days off--Baki takes Gaara to the plant sanctuary.

He’s not quite sure when it becomes a routine to pick up his usually melancholy student and bring him to the old greenhouse, but it does, and Baki notices the usually quiet and withdrawn boy open up just the tiniest bit when they walk through the doors. He asks questions and engages, picking up different plants and examining them carefully. Baki watches Gaara talk and engage so completely in his surroundings when he’s in here that before he knows it he brings him every week, and lets him pick out a plant for him to bring home.

It’s helping, he thinks, having Gaara nurture and tend to something. It takes the child’s mind off of everything, and Baki can’t helping thinking he needs that.

Gaara’s room is now speckled with plants, mostly cacti, though there is one plant that is large and leafy, leaves spilling out of its pot.

Baki said that one will need a bigger pot soon, and next weekend he promised to come over and show Gaara how to do it.

Temari and Kankuro watch their usually quiet and depressed little brother leave with their teacher on those mornings, and they see a slightly perkier, livelier Gaara come back, clutching a small pot of whatever plant he’s picked out that Baki said he could take home. He spends the rest of those days teaching Temari about them, and she watches Gaara chatter about the species and how he’s been told to care for it.

~~~~~~

Enrolling to go on missions with the regular troops is just as hard as Gaara's figured it would be.

He's nervous, though he won't say a word about it to either of his siblings who obviously worry about him and how he'll fare away from them, alone. Gaara puts in his application about two days before he's called to the council's meeting room and questioned. His siblings and Baki insist on waiting outside the room and he itches to get back to them, to flee this uncomfortable feeling and the looks they give him, desperate to get back to the comfortable warmth and understanding of the people who don't look at him with hatred or fear.

He keeps his answers to one word responses, and he doesn’t look any of them in the eye, not wanting to see the suspicion that he knows is there, but by the end they hesitantly approve his application, granted he passes the test. He supposes any chance to use him as a tool, they'll take it. He's not too surprised, really. But anyway, he's on his way to where he feels he can start being someone useful to his village, and not as a monster either. 

He flees the room and finds he doesn’t remember half of the meeting at all, but he’s happy to be out of there, and with a clear goal in mind. 

~~~~~~

He and Naruto exchange letters over the course of those few weeks, and while Gaara doesn't tell him about what he's up to at first, he eventually does. Naruto always asks what he's doing, and Gaara didn't really answer in the first few letters, unsure of what to say or just simply thinking it's not interesting enough to even include at all. Reading about Naruto's adventures are vastly entertaining though, and Gaara's chest gets warm in that same way it does whenever Kankuro and Temari smile at him or whenever Baki tells him he did a good job during training whenever he receives a new letter from his friend.

His first friend.

Gaara keeps them all in the desk in his room, tied together with string so they stay neat and in order. Sometimes when Gaara is bored or lonely at night he rereads them, curled up under his window in the dark.

~~~~~~~  

_Hey Gaara!_

_We just came back from the Land of Lightning! It was awesome, all their buildings are so tall. When I’m Hokage I’ll take you there! They have this ice cream you’ve gotta try! It’s not too sweet so I know you’ll like it. I’m learning how to make my Rasengan bigger, and I can’t wait to show you! Pervy Sage is annoying as usual, but he finally paid me back all the money he stole from me, which is cool. I wonder where he got the money from though. I wish you were here this old man is going to drive me crazy._

_P.S-And I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable, but did your handwriting get better? It’s neater than mine! Not fair! I thought we had another thing in common!_

_Naruto_

Gaara refolds the letter and puts it in the desk before he pulls out his own paper and starting a response.

_Hello, I’m glad you’re doing well. And yes, I have to get better at reading and writing before I can go on missions with the regular troops, so Temari and Kankuro have been helping me. I didn’t get to go to school like other children, so It’s quite hard to catch up, especially this late. I think I’m managing though._

_And yes, we should definitely travel together one day, I would like that._

_Regards,_

_Gaara_

It’s not a very long response, but he doesn’t have much to say. He prefers listening to others talk than sharing about himself anyway, and it’s not like they take long to get responses from each other, so shorter ones seem okay too, in Gaara’s opinion. Naruto won’t mind, the other boy knows he’s quiet.

~~~~~

The next weekend he and Baki sit in the middle of the deck behind the Kazekage mansion with their new pot and gardening supplies set out in front of them.

Baki shows him how to prep the new pot and how to carefully dig the plant out of the old one. The man shows him first, and then lets Gaara try, instructing him the entire time. By the time the hour passes they’ve repotted the plant and added more soil and nutrients so it’ll continue to grow.

“There you go.” Baki tells him, “You’re a natural.”

Gaara tries not to show happy he is about the praise and keeps his face expressionless as he asks, “Why did you bring me to the plant sanctuary the first time?”

“You didn’t really have a hobby. I thought you needed a distraction.” then he adds, “Something fun.”

Gaara nods, looking at the newly potted plant.

“Thank you.”

“No problem at all.”

~~~~~~~~

Temari is in the kitchen when Gaara comes back inside for something to drink.

“Oh, how’s the gardening going?” she asks, pouring a cup of water for him and then herself.

“Fine. It’s in a new pot now. It looks better.”

“Good!”

Gaara moves to reach out his hand to her.

“Oh _no way,_ you’re _not_ hugging me with your dirt hands.” Temari says, dodging him. He moves to follow her, and Baki walks into the kitchen to find two of his students running around the kitchen, Temari shrieking every time Gaara gets close.

Gaara holds onto his sister’s middle with an iron grip as she screeches, trying to pry her little brother off of her. By the time she succeeds her shirt is a mess of dirt and wrinkles.

In retaliation she ruffles his hair, not stopping even when he ducks away from her. She finally leaves him be when his hair is sticking up in all directions.

When Kankuro wanders into the kitchen to see what the noise is about, Gaara goes after him next.

~~~~

_Hey Gaara,_

_You’re not doing missions with Kankuro and Temari anymore? Why? Did something happen? Won’t the regular troops be kinda...lonely? Please answer soon, I’m kinda worried._

_Naruto._

Gaara rereads the short letter and frowns. Naruto doesn’t sound like himself. Gaara wonders if he’s alright.

_Everything is fine with my siblings and myself, I just think I have to get to know other people as well. It’ll be lonely, and I know they won’t like working with me, but I think this is something I have to do to forge bonds with my village. I want to be a part of it._

_Are you well? Your last letter was uncharacteristically short._

_Gaara_

_~~~~~_

Gaara spends the next two days worrying about Naruto. Has he run into trouble? Is he alright? He’s heard of Jiraiya, but he knows little about him. When the next letter comes he sighs in relief, happy to have gotten one at all. That means Naruto is alive, at least.

_Hi Gaara,_

_Yeah I’m fine, I’m worried about YOU! That sounds dangerous, and you might have problems with the other shinobi! Are you sure? I get wanting bonds and I'm happy you're trying, but I just want you to be okay. I don’t wanna nag or anything but yeah! Just be careful okay?_

_Whoa. Now I sound like Iruka-sensei._

_Naruto_

Gaara rereads the letter like he always does, and he notices the worry woven into Naruto’s scribbles.

_Naruto,_

_I’ll try to be careful, but you are never too careful yourself, so I’ll have to ask the same. At least for the remainder of your journey. Where are you going next? I enjoy hearing about your adventures._

_Gaara_

~~~~~

He figured whatever relative peace he had wouldn’t last. He’d been kept so busy hardly noticed Shukaku was so quiet for so long.

Gaara has a screaming breakdown in the middle of the kitchen.

When it passes he has fingernail shaped scars on his arms, and his sand is half curled over him like a cacoon. It doesn’t come any closer though, and Gaara realizes it’s because he’d been suppressing it throughout his entire breakdown. Once he lets go he wills it back into his gourd upstairs. Kankuro trembles next to him, clearly terrified.

That doesn’t matter nearly as much as the fact that even so, he _stayed_.

“Kankuro,” Gaara says slowly, “Did I hurt you?”

Gaara’s stomach twists itself in knots.

His older brother shakes his head, trembling.

Gaara sighs in relief, slumping slightly. He brings his hand to the scar on his forehead, digging his fingers in. His sand bristles in its gourd, but it doesn’t get any closer to him.

“Are you alright?” Gaara asks, eyes clenched shut.  A migraine begins building behind his eyes. He grimaces.

Kankuro sighs and yanks Gaara’s hand from his head, stopping any more damage he would do to himself.

“I should be asking you that.” he says, taking hold of Gaara’s arms, “It’s good you’re getting better with your shield, but I don’t think I like this whole you repressing it thing.”

“Sometimes it’s helpful.”

“And sometimes it lets you do _this_ to yourself.” Kankuro counters, gesturing to his crescent-marked, bloody arms.

“It’ll heal by tonight.”

Kankuro sighs, “Not the point, squirt.”

Gaara makes his usual face at the nickname. Kankuro chuckles.

“C’mon, you got a headache, right? Let’s get you some painkillers and bandages. Can you walk?”

“Yeah.”

~~~~~~

Gaara tells Naruto about his episode in the kitchen in his next letter, and he isn't sure why, he just assumes he maybe needs to talk to someone who isn't his siblings about it. Or something. Gaara isn't sure. He's still no good at reading his own emotions. He's still trying to come to grips with the fact that he has them at all.

And Naruto is someone who understands how easy it is to lose control of a tailed beast. This is something he can only talk to _Naruto_ about, and he finds he doesn't want to hear what he knows his siblings would say if he tried to talk to them about this.

They'd say he isn't to blame, and Kankuro will insist that he wasn't hurt so there was no harm done. Gaara doesn't _want_ to be absolved, he finds. He just wants someone to understand what that feels like.

How it feels to be afraid if yourself, and afraid of the demon you've been saddled with against your will.

He gets a response that's quicker than the others, and Gaara is surprised that not even a day later he has a letter in his hand.  

Naruto's handwriting is messy and he can tell the blond rushed as he wrote it, probably eager to get a response as soon as possible. Naruto frets for the first half of the letter, asking whether Gaara is okay, and by the end Gaara knows that Naruto has lost control and attacked his sensei himself, and understands his guilt.

A few of their letters are about those two incidents in particular, and Naruto tells him that he understands how he feels. He doesn't try to say Gaara didn't mean it or that he wasn't to blame because he knows Gaara already knows that, as deep down and buried under self-hatred and disgust as it may be. Naruto just shares his own experience and tells Gaara that he isn't alone.

After all these years, Gaara has someone who _understands_.

That's more important than he can say. 

~~~~~~~

Gaara fills up the watering can Baki gave him, turns off the faucet and returns to his room, where Temari leans over his window sill, examining the three cacti there.

“They all have flowers now!” she says, and he nods, handing her the can.

“Would you like to water them?"

She grins, “Sure!”

He crosses his arms on the ledge and leans his head on them, watching Temari. When she’s done she puts the can down on the small desk by the window and looks them over, making sure they all got enough attention.

“There.” she exhales, “Done. Kankuro’s making dinner, anything in particular you want?”

Gaara shakes his head, “No, thank you for helping me with the plants. I'm going to help Kankuro with dinner.”

Temari looks at him for a moment before she steps forward, gathers her little brother close and kisses his forehead.

“I’m proud of you.” she says, and then she’s gone.

~~~~~~~

Gaara is told he’s required to go on a group mission with this years applicants for the troops. He’ll be gone for a week, and the premise of the mission will be given to him when he gets there.

It’s S-rank, though. Meant to weed out the weak, no doubt. 

The same night Baki explains how high stakes and dangerous the mission is, both Kankuro and Temari shift uncomfortably, looking at each other in worry.

"Gaara...are you sure?" Temari asks. Gaara nods.

He doubts that he'll have much trouble, but he guesses he shouldn't be surprised they're concerned about his safety. He worries about his siblings too, all the time. Baki as well. It's new and strange and a bit uncomfortable, letting them in like this and having bonds strong enough to even feel for them how he does, and to... _love_ all three of them as much as he does.

Gaara figures that's just what family is. He's had to learn a lot of hard lessons, but this is certainly one of the more comforting ones.


End file.
